Dear Pipe Dream,

Binghamton University always treats us like two-year-olds. Why is that? What can we do to stop it from happening?

Your biggest fan, Joe Suny

P.S.: Kudos on your last editorial about sexual assault. I bet the response was huge!

Dear Joe,

You’re right in pointing out that BU administrators often act like we’re infants, incapable of making our own decisions, ready to be walked all over in the name of academe. They disregard our feelings on the drop deadline, and we’re pretty sure that sooner or later they’re going to try to force an abominable glitzy mega-rec-center on us. We need to show them that we’re done with the Huggies and ready for the big-people toilet – or most of us, as you’ll see soon enough.

But in some ways, the University is entirely justified in treating us like toddlers: we act the part to a tee. For instance, there’s been a rash of exit sign thefts in Newing. It’s not the first time, either: police security cameras were secretly installed in Broome Hall last semester to deter this same type of vandalism, citing student safety as the motivation.

And we agree. It’s common sense. What if there was a fire? Or, more recently, a blackout? Those signs could be the only things standing between you and the Rafuse Towering Inferno. But is that what we really want? Another excuse to have BU poking around in our private lives?

Wrecking University property, though, seems to be the icing on the idiot cake that this campus is feasting on. If you need an explanation, just glance at the Oct. 25 edition of Police Watch:

“OCT. 20 – An unknown defecator smeared what appeared to be fecal matter on the walls near a sink and the toilet stall, prompting a Bingham Hall resident assistant to alert the police to the matter. Officers based their assessment on the smell and brownish nature of the substance, Investigator Rossie said. The police have no suspects.”

Or go further back, to over a year ago, for proof that the inanity is nothing new:

“SATURDAY, MAR. 20, 3:39 p.m. – Roommate squabbling in Hinman’s Hughes Hall got dirty this weekend as two suitemates alleged that another suitemate had engaged in a systematic campaign of defecation and urination to harass the people he lives with.”

According to the report filed with the campus police, the 21-year-old student, with whom the two complainants say that they’ve been having “difficulty,” has deposited urine and feces on the floor, a shirt and a keyboard. They say they had a conversation with the suitemate in which he admitted relieving himself on their property. For his part, the student denied to the police any knowledge of the matter.

The student, 21, was referred to the campus judicial system. The keyboard was damaged beyond repair with excrement and the students have been repeatedly billed by dorm maids who charge extra for cleaning up the foul waste.”

Come on, people! We’re shitting on each other! This is a behavior that, for most of us, has been extinct since pre-K. High school did a decent enough job of helping us maintain our excrement, but somehow, with higher education comes a loss of lower bowel control. It seems so obviously extreme as to not warrant even a mention, but here we are, making hard-working Physical Facilities employees clean up after our fecal debauchery.

We or our parents are paying thousands of dollars for our time here. We’re supposed to be here for eight semesters to expand our academic knowledge base, to learn about dealing with all kinds of diverse people, to become professionals – in essence, to mature.

So why are we stealing signs, shitting on each other, shitting on each other’s stuff, peeing in the hall, peeing in the elevator, peeing in the stairs, breaking windows, and smearing random obscene things on windows, furniture and each other?

Sincerely,

Your Friends at Pipe Dream