Downtown Binghamton has never been a place for the weak-stomached. Between the usual suspects — sloppy drunks, creepy guys, sticky floors and bathrooms that mysteriously go out of order at dusk — and the recent spats of violence, State Street is becoming more and more like the West Bank by the week.

That’s why PIPE DREAM has put together a handy list of ways to protect yourself from the riffraff, sleaze and occasional small-arms fire that pervades every Bearcat’s favorite hangout. We’ve included things to think about and items you’ll want to take along as you trek inebriated down the finest run the Carousel City has to offer. They may all not be immediately achievable, but hey, we’re smart. We’ll find a way. We go to Binghamton, right?

–Fake ID. It’s among the most obvious — and most important. Unless you want to subject yourself to some hair-brained passback scheme, a fake ID with a picture that looks at least vaguely like you.

–Cell phone. Girls: we know you like to wear your pants skin-tight. But find a place to put the phone on your body, not in your bag. If you’re unlucky enough to lose the bag, at least you’ll be able to tearfully call a friend and tell her you’ve also lost your money, ID and cards.

–Condoms. It’s self-explanatory: don’t have sex without one. The last thing you want is to come home with the clap just because you were too lazy to pack a rubber.

–Change of shoes. This one’s for the ladies. Those stilettos were hot when you got to the house party, but by the time 3 a.m. rolls around, you’ll be wishing for anything with Velcro. If you don’t have a friendly base of operations (see below) and can’t store an extra pair, take the time to buy shoes that will look good and not make you bleed.

–Bulletproof vest. With all the shooting and police activity, the chance of taking a bullet from one side or the other seems to be climbing quicker than SUNY tuition.

–A base of operations. Find a friend who lives within walking distance of the bar scene for pre-gaming, leaving valuables (or a change of shoes) or passing out afterwards.

–Single dollar bills. When you come up to the bouncer with your fake ID, the less work they have to do to let you in the better. So don’t hand them a $20 bill and expect to wait patiently while break change: they’ll just as likely kick you out. Keep at least enough singles to get yourself in, but preferably enough to save a friend in need.

On the same note, make sure to carry $10 emergency taxi cash. No matter where you’re going in Binghamton or Vestal, $10 should be enough to get you there in case you lose your wingmen or girlfriends (see above). Be sure to keep it hidden somewhere you won’t think to look for it when you run out of beer money.

–At least one tissue. You never know what’ll need a wipe.

– Guys should bring a wingman with them at all times. For those who don’t know what a wingman is: he distracts the annoying friends of the girl his friend is trying to hook up with.

Similarly, girls should travel in packs. This allows then to effectively suppress any inroads a guy may make with one of them. It also gives girls a bit more safety when walking home after closing time.

–Cigarette Lighter. You may not smoke, but that hottie you’re trying to woo just might. If you’ve fire handy, you can re-enact one of a hundred classic Hollywood moments and start a conversation that could lead just where you want it to: the bedroom.

–Breath freshener. Be it gum, mints or spray, it speaks for itself. Well, not as loudly as your breath will when you’re leaning in close and reeking of pizza and beer.

–Barf bag. Go ahead. Laugh. But when you’re paying a cabbie $50 for barfing in his back seat, you’ll wish you had listened.

–Find a sober friend and keep them forever. Scott, the sober frat boy, is ours and it works just fine: he drives, he buys booze, and he’ll always know when we’ve had too much. When we’re nice to him, he tells us. When we’re not, he writes on our faces in permanent marker when we pass out.