I’m going to begin by saying that I am not a feminist. I am also not a lesbian, a man-hater, a tomboy, abstinent or a hater (OK, I’m a little bit hater-ific, but only if you suck/give bad hand jobs/have poor manners/basically eat shit and you deserve it).

Anyhow, despite my hater side, I have feelings (sometimes) and I cry too (not really). Whatever I am though, I show it … in front of my friends, in front of strangers and in front of you (awwww!). I don’t restrict my quirks and my imperfections to hook a man or make a pretty girl like me, and somehow … I still have friends. I trip, I pout my lips all the time and can’t help it, I almost pee when I laugh, I hate wearing clothing, I always bruise, I wear dirty jeans, I gross myself out with what I say (mostly I gross out other people, though) and I watch my roommate sleep (just kidding, Nadine … not really, though … you’re sleeping right now and I hate you … just kidding, I do watch … but not right now … except for just now, to see if you just saw me write this … you didn’t. OK, good, back to work).

The point of this is that I don’t put up a giggly, hee-hee, look-at-my-boobs facade when I am in the vicinity of way-cool frat boys. As buff and oily as they look on stage, they’re just regular, ashy people off of it; there’s no need to look emptily out into space and speak in baby woice to get them to wike you. I don’t even get mad anymore when I see girls throw themselves at guys and laugh at their “I’m Rick James, bitch” jokes (You’re not Rick James, shut up. Stupid.), I just get sad.

It disappoints me to see girls faking stupidity for a drop of attention, to try to fill some gap an insecurity has carved into them. Letting yourself go is cathartic; don’t bottle up all your embarrassing fart stories (just kidding, girls don’t fart … I’m serious, we don’t even have the glands necessary for sulfur production) and snort-laughs because you’re afraid people won’t like it.

Knowing that people accept your disgustingness, or awkwardness, or gayness is comforting; how can you ever love yourself if you’ve never let “you” out? Mmm-hmm, I can be mushy too, wadies. I don’t know how much this column is making anyone realize that they should be genuine, but I hope it at least makes girls aware that they should be proud of being girls and individuals at the same time.

Unless you just completely suck, then go find a personality in a book and imitate it or something. Try “One Hundred Years of Solitude,” I heard it’s good … I don’t know, I’m sorry, I don’t have that problem — everybody loves me.