Indeed, it is a sure sign that times are grim, when those who run a center for education care not about those whom it educates.

You see, according to the SUNY Binghamton Web site, tuition for a Binghamton student is $4,350. That means I’m paying $543.75 for a class that I don’t want to take.

Now, you might be thinking, “But Graham, why? Why are you paying so much for something you don’t want? Your money is precious and rare, so it should be spent only on the most necessary things.”

Very true. Good point.

Here’s the deal: toward the end of last semester, I was on BUSI trying to formulate this semester’s schedule and I came across the description of a class called, well, we’ll call it “TAINT 356: Academic Reach-Arounds.”

“Academic Reach-Arounds!” I thought. “Hot-damn! I gotta get into that class! Surely that is the absolute nexus of my studies in TAINT (Topical Applications of Inappropriate Nouns in Type).”

So this year I showed up, super-excited to learn about reach-arounds as they apply to TAINT. The first class went by without any reaching, as the professor and the class got acquainted. During the second class, we were given the first half of a summary of the history of Academic Reach-Arounds, and the second half was given in the forth class (since the third class was canceled).

Finally, this past week our professor actually started teaching, and it was after his first real lecture that I realized how much I despise his class. You see, the professor spends the entire class getting academic reach-arounds from the kids who sit up front, and never really focuses on TAINT.

Now, you may be wondering, “Graham, if you think that class is compromising your TAINTucation, why don’t you just drop the class? If you’ve only had one or two real lectures, you must be able to.”

Ah, no. You see, here at SUNY Binghamton we are dominated by a villain named Mary Ann Swain, a.k.a. “The Plundering Provost,” and she doesn’t like students. A couple of years ago she decided that we could only drop classes within the first two weeks of the year.

“Why would she do that?” you ask. “As Provost, shouldn’t she be defending the legitimacy of our education by ensuring that we don’t have to watch academic reach-arounds if we don’t want to?”

I suppose that is what she’s supposed to do, but she clearly doesn’t understand her job. I guess when she got the job, Swain looked up “provost” on Dictionary.com and missed the “is concerned with curriculum” part. I think she thought it said, “person who screws over students and cheats them out of money.”

Hmm, if she misunderstood the point of her job, then I suppose there’s only one thing to do. Fire her. That’s right, folks. I’m starting the movement, right here, right now. It’s my senior year, and I refuse to leave this place knowing that those who follow in my footsteps will be left in a world of mandatory reach-arounds. As students, we need to demand a new provost, and the number one qualification should be “likes students.”

If you are fed up as well, let the Plundering Provost know. She can be reached at 777-2141, or mswain@binghamton.edu.