I’ll take what Seth likes for $500

OCT. 7, 1:00 a.m. – A student named Seth, irritated at vulgar graffiti on his dorm-room door’s dry eraser-board, reported the writings to the cops. According to a report he filed with the campus police, the writer made a reference alleging what Seth likes.

L’etranger

OCT. 9, 7:07 a.m. – Early Saturday morning, a student in Onondaga Hall awoke when a stranger brushed against him in bed. “So he wakes up and finds this person he doesn’t know in his room wandering around,” said Capt. Donald A. Chier, a spokesman for Binghamton’s New York State University Police. The student sleeping told the guy that he wasn’t in the right room, but the stranger insisted he was in his own room. “Look again,” the student said he told the stranger. “You’re not in your room. You’re in mine.” The occupant became concerned and called the University police. The stranger — described as a white male, 5’10 — still insisted he was in his own room. Campus police officers found the student and he told them he was confused because he was still drunk from the night before.

Breakfast splatter

OCT. 14, 4:36 a.m. – The Vestal Police asked their University counterparts to help locate a student who they feared had injured himself after he bruised his hand by punching a wall in Denny’s, then hured himself at the wall, giving him a bruised head.

“He just said he’d been upset,” Captain Chier said.

The price was wrong

OCT. 16, – Two female students complained to the University police that their taxicab driver had made lewd sexual remarks to them.

“Two ladies were taking a cab ride back to campus around 12:30 when the driver made a nasty comment to them,” Captain Chier said.

He asked them to sit in the front seat, and then graphically described the sex act he wanted.

“They were upset,” Captain Chier said.

They didn’t seek criminal charges, just a report that the comments had been made.

Colonel Mustard, in the dining hall, with the ketchup

OCT. 19, 8:00 a.m. – Someone squirted a bottle of ketchup on the stairwell in Mountainview’s Appalachian Dining Hall. There were no witnesses to the actual spraying, but officers recovered one ketchup bottle near the scene, said Investigator Matthew C. Rossie, a police spokesman.

Poop smear

OCT. 20 – An unknown defecator smeared what appeared to be fecal matter on the walls near a sink and the toilet stall, prompting a Bingham Hall resident assistant to alert the police to the matter. Officers based their assessment on the smell and brownish nature of the substance, Investigator Rossie said. The police have no suspects.

White men can jump

OCT. 23, 1:47 a.m. – A 19-year-old white male wandering Newing Lot S early Sunday morning attracted the attention of a campus police officer who was looking for someone connected to an accident on the Vestal Parkway. The officer grew suspicious because the person was caked in dirt and wasn’t wearing a coat. While it turned out the student, 19, had nothing to do with the accident, he said he had been jumped by two white males during a stroll on campus. He couldn’t describe the males and he declined medical attention. But while the officers were asking the student for ID, the student allegedly gave them a chalked license, making him appear to be 22. He was given both an appearance ticket to Vestal Town Court for possessing an altered driver’s license and a ride back to his Roosevelt Hall dorm. The police looked for the two suspicious white males, but they couldn’t find them.

Sexually transmitted message

OCT. 25, 3:08 a.m. – A 20-year-old student who lives off campus reported that an “acquaintance” from her hometown was e-mailing her sexually-suggestive messages, including a Photoshopped photo of her sister’s head attached to the body of another female. BU police referred the case to their counterparts at the at the Johnson City police because she’s receiving the messages there.

Firefighter out of the closet

OCT. 25, 3:18 p.m. – Marcy Hall’s fire alarm sounded, students streamed out of the dorm and the BU police raced to check out the call. When they arrived, officers saw a young man dressed in firefighting gear, or as the report put it, “full helmet, coat, boots — the works.”

“This guy’s standing in complete fire regalia,” Chier said, “and they don’t know who he was.”

It turns out the student is an 18-year-old Marcy Hall resident who’s a credentialed firefighter in Beacon, N.Y., his hometown.

“He got dressed up and came out,” Chier said.

The police appreciated the student’s volunteerism, Chier said, but because of liability and logistical issues, officers told the student that he can’t show up out of the blue in uniform. Chier suggests the student join the Vestal town volunteer department.

Hatrick

NOV. 7, 5:00 p.m. – Walking from a class in Science IV, a 21-year-old student purloined another’s personal property. “The guy grabbed his hat and ran and now refuses to return the hat,” Investigator Rossie said. The 23-year-old complainant called the police, who visited the alleged thief’s dorm room in Glenwood Hall on campus. “He was not answering his door,” Rossie said. The case is still under investigation, and the student wants his hat back.