When we were teenagers, hormones were raging, zits were popping and questions about the opposite sex plagued us all. I’ll be the first to admit I used to turn to my newest issue of Seventeen magazine to help to decide such earth shattering issues as “Is Joe ogling my cleavage because he likes me?” Looking back, I realize each quiz was formulaic and failed to alleviate my teenage angst.

I have created an updated college version for all of you lady Bearcats as a rebuttal to anything J-14 may offer.

How to tell if you’re dating a frat boy:

1. When you ask your guy what Sigma means he:

A. asks, “Sigma? What the hell is that?”

B. recites the Greek alphabet forward and backward, ending with a resounding “SIR.”

C. explains, “It’s a math term that means ‘the summation of.’”

2. In the middle of the night he crawls out of bed to:

A. take a dump. That chili has been stewing long enough.

B. go “educate” the young ones.

C. scribble down some notes on a paper he’s writing.

3. When you mention Beethoven Park he reminisces about:

A. playing a game of football with the guys.

B. military crawls, thinking position, push-ups and other secret activities.

C. reading in the warm summer breeze.

4. When you ask him to see a movie on Thursday night he can’t because:

A. he’s entered in the Beer Pong Tourney at Sports Bar. How could you forget?

B. he’s going to a mixer. Bring on the booze, brothers and sorority chicks.

C. he’s got a huge test tomorrow and is camping out at Bartle.

5. He just isn’t acting like himself lately. You can’t quite put a finger on it, but it may be because:

A. he seems to be hanging out with that blonde from Biology class a lot. You’re starting to get a little jealous and worried.

B. he’s giving you the silent treatment and reeks of vomit. He also looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. Come to think of it, hasn’t he worn that sweatshirt and bandana for the past five days?

C. he’s swamped with tests and is consuming five cups of coffee daily.

Mostly A’s: You’ve got yourself a regular college guy who likes to go with the flow and enjoy himself. If you can get past his crap-loving, beer-guzzling, smelly self, you have the potential to have a very happy college relationship.

Mostly B’s: Congrats, you’ve got yourself a frat boy. Use this to your advantage. Just make sure his commitment to the fraternity does not overshadow you. Next time you see him you may want to greet him with a, “Good Afternoon brother (name) of the Eta Pledge class.” He’ll appreciate it and maybe you’ll have to only do 400 pushups later.

Mostly C’s: Let’s face it, you’re boyfriend is a huge NERD! He would rather make love to his Calculus textbook in a dark secluded corner of Bartle than you. Maybe on your next date you could speak to each other in Binary Code. His 4.0 GPA may be larger than anything else he has to offer you.

Erica Fritz is a junior psychology major.