Binghamton University students often find themselves confused and disoriented around this time of year. Everywhere we go, we see signs and ads referring to our nation’s most hallowed holiday: Super Bowl Sunday. However, there is so much that we do not ‘ nay, cannot ‘ know about this most sacred of days.
After doing extensive research on this matter, Release has discovered that the reason we tend to feel so out of the loop, is that this special day revolves around a sport called ‘football’ (pronounced futb√É¥l). Although geographically, this sport pervades much of America’s culture, it is notably absent from SUNY-Binghamton society.
With that in mind, Release has prepared a guide to aid our readers in celebrating Super Bowl Sunday.
Preparation: The most important thing one can do to maximize their Super Bowl enjoyment potential, is locate the largest viewing screen possible. In general, there is a direct correlation between Actual Game Immersion (AGI) and the Awesomeness of the Television on Which the Game is Watched (ATVWGW). We recommend locating a projection TV with a screen measuring at least 6 feet by 6 feet.
A good Super Bowl cannot be enjoyed without ample food and beverage consistently available. Regular mainstays of Super Bowl festivities include pizza, subs, wings, chips and dip, miniature hot dogs and refreshing beverages. If you want to play it safe, have all six available in bulk.
Throughout the course of the event, those with knowledge of the sport (whether on television or in the room with you) may use terms and phrases that seem foreign to the typical football-less BU student. Here’s a quick guide to the vernacular:
Pre-game show: Picture a political ‘talking-heads’ show, but for sports. Generally this 30- to 60-minute program directly precedes the game itself, and is hosted by four or five ‘experts’ who debate the positive and negative attributes of each team. While most of the information dispensed during this program is ultimately worthless, the discerning viewer may be able to pick up some useful tidbits.
What’s more, the pre-game show will in all likelihood also include one or two ‘human-interest features’ documenting how some players have overcome great odds and setbacks on their lifelong paths to the Super Bowl. Warning: These segments may be uplifting.
Kickoff: The official beginning of the game.
Commercial break: The most popular and highly watched part of the game. During the Super Bowl, one can expect to witness a wide variety of new and sometimes witty television advertisements.
Line of scrimmage: The imaginary line that signifies the offensive team’s progress (or regress).
End zone: The goal of each team is to move the ball into this portion of the field as often as possible. Each time a player (ball in-hand) makes it to this sector, his team is awarded six points.
Field goal: Worth three points, this is achieved when a team’s ‘kicker’ uses his foot to propel the ball in between two yellow metal bars located behind the end zone.
Kicker: A position that you could have played if Binghamton had a football team.
Two-minute warning: Occurring toward the end of each half, this pre-planned break in game play guarantees advertisers that their commercials will be shown regardless of game-flow.
Halftime: A reliable bathroom break.
Halftime show: This pop culture spectacle traditionally consists of performances by celebrity musicians. Still, as the halftime show has no practical or functional value, one can conclude that it exists mainly as a time-trial test for groundskeepers at the event, or as an opportunity to ‘accidentally’ see Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breast.
Clutch: If the game is a close affair, this word will be uttered increasingly as time winds down. It refers to a specific player or team’s ability to produce positive results during moments of immense pressure or stress. Inevitably, this will be the most overused word of the night.
Winner: The team with the highest total points after time expires.
Loser: The opposite of ‘winner.’
Winner: The corporation that generates the most revenue as a result of their witty and well-placed commercial.
Winner: You, for having eaten and drunk the normal daily consumption of three blue whales in a 3 1/2-hour period.