Everything I’ve learned in college, I could have learned watching television. In fact, I would go so far as to say that a true pop culture education, the kind you can only get from watching TV, going to see newly released films and listening to pop music, is more valuable in our day and age than any class on Faulkner, Microbiology or 12th century Chinese agriculture that this University can dream up.
The nature of modern media is such that we receive small pieces of information extremely quickly, so as not to waste our valuable time with insignificant details or facts. Do I need to know that Henry VIII had syphilis? No. All you need to tell me is that he had six wives — find a way to work that information into a reality show format, and I could probably come to that conclusion by myself. Still don’t believe me? Let me hit you with some knowledge:
Behavioral Psychology: “Mean Girls,” starring Lindsay Lohan, is rife with up-to-date pop psychology that explains why high school females are essentially blood-sucking succubae. The film discusses issues that adolescent girls face during their formative years, such as how to deal with being less attractive than those around you, or how to express your insecurity in violent/hilarious ways. Frankly, I think Freud takes a back seat to Lacey Chabert any day of the week.
Biology: “House, M.D., ”starring Hugh Laurie. Seriously, how can you not want to practice medicine after watching this show? Apparently, when you earn an M.D., perks include extremely attractive female coworkers, an unlimited supply of painkillers and a weekly brainteaser that will result in an over-inflated sense of self-worth. Don’t worry about actually learning anything about human anatomy. If this show has taught me anything, it’s that most illnesses can be determined or cured by a brain biopsy, lumbar puncture or tracheotomy. Learn how to do those procedures, and you’re golden.
Business/Theater: “Entourage,” starring Jeremy Piven and Adrian Grenier. Here’s a show that tells it like it is. To be successful in business, specifically Hollywood business, all that is required is a shaggy haircut, an unwillingness to act maturely, an overbearing agent who’s crude brand of sexual humor will embarrass people into agreeing with him and a group of friends whose sole purpose is to remind you how outrageously good-looking and generous you are. Talent is absolutely unnecessary. Oh, one other thing. You absolutely must smoke weed every day.
Philosophy: Kevin Federline’s song “PoPo Zao.” Stay with me on this one. The man may appear to be the living, breathing Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse: a travesty of humanity bundled up in a wife-beater. But that’s not the real K-Fed. Just listen to the lyrics. “Wanna know where I go when I’m in your city/ Girl, don’t you work/ The cat is coming straight outta the know/ Ready, gonna rock them shows.” Where to go when I’m in your city? Cat coming straight out of the know? This is pure, unadulterated genius; a tribute to the struggles of the individual to find themselves in the “city” of Cosmic Consciousness, to come out of “the know” and into pure being. When you really think about it, “PoPo Zao” is just another way of saying “the meaning of life.”
You’ll notice I didn’t include English on this list. That’s because English majors are the smartest people on Earth. They already know how important these seemingly trivial things are to the advancement of mankind, which is why my compatriots and I dedicate so much of our time to learning and understanding them. We’re already miles ahead of the curve. The rest of you need to play catch-up.
Matt McFadden is a senior English and Arabic major. He wishes something interesting would happen at this school so he could write a serious column.