Christmas, the greatest of all American holidays, is almost upon us. And like any good, patriotic American, I’ve been saving up so that I can dig deep into my big empty wallet and help out Sam Walton. But, whereas Christmas is the winter equivalent of Independence Day, a day on which we celebrate the divine lives of our saviors Walt Disney and Elmo, New Year’s Day is a completely different story. As the new year rolls around, we devote time to self-reflection and set goals for improving ourselves. So, without further ado, I present some resolutions for Binghamton University, the surrounding area and for myself.

BU: Get rid of the parking Nazis. They’re the scourge of my existence.

Me: Figure out how to get away with not paying the parking ticket I got last week.

Sodexho: Enough said.

Me: Turn the “Dutch Oven” from mere hobby to art.

Vestal: Increase the speed limit on the Parkway to 70 mph.

Me: Use the “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” method to completely erase Jay Feely from my memory. (I swear to God. The kicker has one job, and one job only, don’t fuck up the game. Does anyone else support investigating whether or not Freddy Adu is available for a mid-season replacement job? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind switching sports if the money’s right.)

Local Bars: Lower prices. $3.75 for a bottle of Budweiser is just about the lamest thing I can think of.

Me: Actually meet George W. Bush… and explain to him that the only thing that could possibly be worse than abstinence, is abstinence education.

Basketball Program: Win the America East Championship, fire Al Walker (c’mon, Mt. St. Mary’s and Central Connecticut!?) or both.

BU students in general, or me, whoever can do it first: One of us has gotta find video proof of Lois transforming into the creature she really is but has kept hidden all along…..a Chupacabra.

Everyone: Go see artwork made by my older sister, Amanda, and other terrific artists, while it’s on display this month at the gallery Spool Mfg., in Johnson City. Then go to my sister’s website, katesamanda.30art.com, and revel in her brilliance from your own home.

Me: Come up with my own version of the joke, “The Aristocrats.”

BU students: Become as cool, charismatic, and downright suave as Mr. Reed, our new vice president for multicultural affairs.

Me: Try to convince myself that publishing my opinions every week doesn’t mean I’m a narcissistic egomaniac (which I think it actually does mean).

Binghamton Review: Your back covers are always really funny, keep up the good work with that. Also, make sure to continue to perpetuate and embody every single conservative stereotype. That’s not obnoxious at all. (Eh, I guess if I say others are obnoxious, it’s kind of like Michael Moore calling Rush Limbaugh fat. Whatever.)

Me: See every episode that I haven’t already seen of the following shows; “Entourage,” “Arrested Development,” “Epitafios,” the “B.U. Blog,” “Lost,” “My Name is Earl” and “The Office.”

UPB: Book either Skee-Lo, Biz Markie, Bobcat Goldswait or Duran Duran. Or Paul Reubens.

The Binghamton Community: Keep being as fun and entertaining as you have been for the past two and a half years. Where else could someone debate the merits of Superstring theory with an Olde English duct-taped to each hand?

And for my obligatory corny resolution: Show my family and friends that I admire, appreciate and am grateful for their unending goodwill and patience by supporting and helping them whenever I can — and extend that gratitude to as many people in general as I can.

Graham Kates is a junior political science major.