From Front Street to the Vestal Parkway, students at Binghamton University have a set of expectations for living in Binghamton. Those expectations end promptly at their expected graduation date, roughly around the day their Westside housing lease expires.
But a group of BU students have an initiative promoting a higher retention rate for graduates by the year 2020. In fact, this intrepid collective of our fellow students aims to keep 20 percent of the graduating class of 2020 in Binghamton.
Needless to say, the loftiness of this goal is almost unfathomable. However, we thought it prudent to suggest 20 things that, if provided, would keep us around. Maybe.
1. A water park.
For a city perched between two intersecting rivers, Binghamton is ironically lacking in water sports activities.
2. At least four more Wal-Marts. Johnson City plans on opening one in the near future, but if this initiative thinks they can sway us with two paltry locations, they are sorely mistaken. We’re going to need at least four more Wal-Marts to ensure our job security.
3. The City of Binghamton will give every graduate who stays an iPhone.
They’re so useful, seriously.
4. To add to Binghamton’s attractions, we would need more wildlife. Mainly narwhals, dolphins, penguins and possibly more coyotes.
5. Real pizza. Real bagels. Real pizza-bagels.
6. To ensure our safety, Binghamton Police would crack down on crime and meth production.
After all, we’d have those iPhones (see item 3).
7. BU would need a football team and (for our convenience) they would only play home games. They would also start with a 30-point handicap.
8. A Sonic, an In and Out, and a Fatburger. Basically the entirety of the West coast fast-food scene.
9. The Greater Binghamton Airport needs to offer actual flights to relevant places outside of Pennsylvania. Additionally, every time a BU alum needs to book a flight, Lois B. DeFleur has to fly them in a World War I-era biplane. And she has to wear goggles. And a silk scarf.
10. The City of Binghamton must pledge to clean the Susquehanna and Chenango Rivers.
This goes beyond aesthetics. If we’re to have waterfowl, migratory bird conservancies (see item 12) and an abundance of marine mammals (see item 4), we need them to be both safe and happy.
11. An Urban Outfitters, a Nordstrom and a Banana Republic. And banana smoothies (unrelated).
12. The construction of an ocean annex must begin, with the objective being a new bay area. The bay area will be home to several sources of revenue, including but not limited to:
Discount kayak rental services
Migratory bird and waterfowl conservatory, and gift shop
Yachts
Funday Island all-inclusive family resort (free on Funday, see item 15)
Binghamton’s new mascot, the Binghamton Baymen. The Baymen may alternately be represented by a narwhal.
13. We demand that the aboriginal peoples of the Southern Tier respect and treat us a little better. In return, we shall cease to refer to them as ‘Townies.’
14. In addition to the increasingly popular ‘First Friday Art Walk,’ the City of Binghamton shall institute a ‘Third Wednesday Culture Stroll’ and ‘Fourth Thursday Visual Explosion.’
15. The creation of ‘Funday,’ an eighth weekend-day occurring after Friday and before Saturday.
16. Cyber Cafes East, North and South to mitigate the confusion surrounding the singular location of Cyber Cafe West.
17. No mandate on green garbage bags. Additionally, no garbage bags in general. Instead, the city shall employ a small infantry of common farm swine and pay them accordingly.
18. Similar to that one scene in ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory,’ everything ‘ including the narwhals ‘ must be fashioned of candy ‘ delicious, delicious candy.
19. A significant decrease in pedophiles and other such sexual miscreants relocated to the area.
20. Any taxi driver that is found to have fallen asleep at the wheel or offers crack cocaine to freshmen must be jailed, like in any other city in America.