The legendary Italian poet Dante is known for “Inferno,” the epic poem where he travels into the depths of hell and comes face to face with worse and worse sinners as he delves deeper. We found a modern-day parallel to the circles of hell in our own lives — State Street.
Let Release guide you through the increasing stages of drunkenness that you can find scattered about State Street: Binghamton’s Inferno.
Circle I – Limbo
This group of people hasn’t had enough to drink. It mainly consists of cold, angry, perhaps crying sorority girls. You can find them in the middle of the street, on the brick wall against the Rathskeller or on the cement ledge that begins next to Pasquale’s and leads to the corner of State and Court. The people in this group either drove, have a test the next day, didn’t take enough shots or it just didn’t hit them right tonight. Go home, party poopers.
Circle II – The Lustful
This group comprises the majority of State Street inhabitants — the few, the proud, the drunk and horny. They are comfortably buzzed and trying desperately to find a romantic match whether it be for a lifetime, for the semester, for their next date function or simply for a one-night romp at your University Plaza apartment.
You can find this group mostly in the center of the dance floor. The females vigorously show off their assets to the beat of whatever Calvin Harris remix is blasting in the background. You can generally find males either awkwardly behind their respective female targets, or occupying the perimeter of the bar, watching and waiting.
Circle III – The Gluttonous
There are several late-night places to find the gluttonous Downtown. First, there is Binghamton Hots. The people here are extra desperate because they decided, despite their drunken stupor, that they wanted to make the trek all the way around the corner from State to Washington for a hot plate full of cholesterol and regret.
The hottest spot where these feasting foodies flock to, though, is Pasquale’s Pizza, famous for dishing out pizza that tastes like the Rat and — also like the Rat — gets better the higher your BAC is. The low of the low are here: more specifically, people who are too cheap to buy their own pizza and resort to asking complete strangers for bites, leftover scraps and/or a charity slice. A girl’s gotta eat.
Circle IV – The Hoarders and the Wasters
The people in this group are each other’s opposites, but fall into the same category. The hoarders are too cheap to buy their own drinks. They’re girls who flaunt themselves at the bar, waiting for an unlucky suitor with a wallet (ahem, Circle II), or those who are sneaky enough to snag an unwatched drink … roofies are just an urban legend, right?
On the opposite side of the spectrum are the wasters, the dons of Downtown. These poor souls forgot to remove their debit cards from their wallets before heading to State Street and are now faced with the undeniable responsibility of buying just about everyone a drink. A Binghamton waster is a particular specimen — you don’t have to spend an insane amount to fall into this category because of the poor college kid prices. Thanks, SUNY!
“You spend $30 in a night,” said Matthew Schwarz, a junior majoring in economics, “and you’re the biggest G in Binghamton.”
Circle V – The Wrathful
The people who fall into this category have somehow been scorned. Either they aren’t over an ex who’s hooking up with someone else, or they ran into someone who wronged a friend. The wrathful girl gives the notorious shoulder shove, the classic passive-aggressive act that all girls know is code for “You’ve wronged me but I’m a classy Westchester broad so I’m not going to hit you — I’m just going to push past you and hope that you look at me to see me and my friends laughing at you and then feel bad about yourself.” Watch out, this girl means trouble.
The wrathful male is in his own world, lost in a sea of troubles and alcohol. He is dealing with girl problems, dealing with his friend’s girl problems or dealing with his girl’s problems. You can identify him by his frantic raucous behavior, a facade for the deep sadness that is plaguing him within.
Circle VI – The Heretics
The heretics see themselves as invincible — they wear an impenetrable logic-proof vest built of 80 proof liquor. They answer to no one. Tonight is their night.
You can generally find a heretic in the middle of the street, standing up to the police officer who, ridiculously, won’t hear him out on why the government shutdown should validate his fake ID.
You can also spot a heretic walking to her home on Murray, Chapin or beyond, by herself. What could a thief and/or rapist possibly want with a defenseless and underdressed young woman?
Circle VII – The Violent
It doesn’t take much to get drunken guys riled up. Ten beers and a few shots deep, they ignore their ability to stand straight but truly believe they’re the invincible, even if they’re 130 pounds and frail. Then they’ll push some guy at the Rat, get pushed back too hard and wimp out, but still tell all their friends they got into a legit fight.
Circle VIII – The Fraudulent
Drunken girls in this circle honestly believe that their Asian friend’s ID will work for their blonde-haired selves. And the worst part is, it does. Such rebels.
Circle IX – The Treacherous
This circle of hell is reserved for the most evil of State Street inhabitants: the traitors.
It’s understood girl/guy code that you cannot get with your friends’ biddies. Being friends with your friend’s boyfriend is obviously encouraged, but after a few drinks, the boundaries seem to blur, and a wave turns into a hand-hold, and then a leg rub, and then … uh oh. You’re getting with the one person you couldn’t. You blew it. Punishment includes friend-group shunning or having a drink poured on you from a fellow intoxicated sorority betch. Regardless, you committed the ultimate sin. You will actually go to hell.