For those who might not know, when the weather miraculously changes, Bearcats start spending a lot more time outdoors: on the Spine, sitting in the grass and laying in hammocks. It’s pretty easy to learn how to sit on a bench or in the grass — but a hammock? That requires some knowledge. So here, for your convenience, is the complete guide to hammocking.
First off, if you’re looking to quietly relax and read your books for Children’s Literature, you’re reading the wrong guide. If you want to take a nap in a tree, then get a blanket and lean against it Rip Van Winkle style. Hammocking is a social activity, and we can assure you that you will get nothing productive done while doing it.
Now that you understand the complexities of the craft, you are ready to make the big purchase. Make sure the hammock has a weight capacity to support you and a friend or two. Don’t spend too much money on your hammock, though. A Texsport La Paz is about $25 and it’s great quality.
The next step can seem obvious, but it’s also easily forgotten: You need some ropes. Some hammocks come with ropes, but many don’t. While you can buy ropes online as well, you might want to go to Home Depot in person, so you can judge the quality of the threads yourself. Your rope should be strong, but they can’t be too thick or the knots you make may not be as stable.
Now for your training. You can’t just expect to receive your hammock and immediately sit in its never-ending comfort. You know how real estate agents say “location, location, location” when buying a house? Setting up your hammock is more important than buying a house. The perfect location for your hammock is somewhere where every person you know will see you. You didn’t go through all this effort to just sit quietly alone in your hammock. No, you got a hammock so your friends will see you and everyone you know and don’t know will see you and think you’re awesome. Find a tree on the Spine or outside the Lecture Hall or even outside Academic A. Old Dickinson has some nice trees, but no one goes to Old Dickinson. It’s like having an amazing profile picture but posting it at 1:30 a.m. on a Friday night when all your friends are at Tom & Marty’s. No one will see it and it won’t get any likes. That’s a waste. Hammocking in Old Dickinson is a waste.
Timing is everything. Give yourself ample time to set up your hammock so that you can be all settled when everyone’s 1:10 p.m. to 2:10 p.m. class gets out so they can see you in your hammock. Make sure to bring some snacks or a smoothie from Red Mango so you don’t have to get up and leave when you get hungry. Bring a book that you aren’t reading. Clearly you aren’t doing anything with Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road”; you are just holding it so people think you’re literate. Friends will come over and say “Sorry, I don’t want to distract you from your reading!” and you’ll cleverly reply, “Don’t worry about it! I just finished this silly old book. Come hang with me!”
Sit in your hammock until the sun goes down and it gets cold. Take down your hammock, go to sleep and repeat the process the next day. You’re on your way to becoming the coolest kid in the Triple Cities.