Yes, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. We know. No, no, don’t freak out. It’s going to be fine. We know you’ve got your eye on that cutie in your chem lab, and that tingly feeling you get when you see them isn’t the result of an acid spill. Well, it is, but you’re also smitten. Sure, you only have 24 hours, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find your one true love in that time. Here’s how to get the Bearcat of your dreams!
Offer to help them out with school work
It may be the beginning of the semester, but you know your crush isn’t interested in reading their textbook all alone. Who can resist a study buddy? Offer to give them an extra hand with their nighttime studying. Slowly build this up into a routine, gradually working up from writing their papers to taking their tests, and they’ll end up with an entirely free schedule to pursue their true passions (and your relationship).
Learn their interests
As Whitney Houston once said, “My Love Is Your Love,” and yes, she was talking about material objects and tangible hobbies. Does your crush like to knit? Now you do, too! GIMs may be over, but it’s not too late to get on the listserv of love. Just because you’re not interested in ultimate Frisbee statistics doesn’t mean you can’t learn to be, right? Love is all about sharing your passions and completely dissolving your personality to fit the other person’s.
Become the world’s biggest Genesis fan
This is probably the most crucial tip. “In Your Eyes” blasting from a boombox won Diane’s heart, and it can win your love’s heart, too. If you want to get the attention of the classmate next door, you must — and I repeat, must — learn their entire discography, including the solo albums of Peter Gabriel and the Tarzan soundtrack. In addition, it would be helpful to know the history of the band (i.e. when Phil Collins left, their tour dates, etc). Yes, it’s a lot to remember, but if you want them to follow you, then follow me.
Let them know you’re interested
Some people may say winking is out of style, or just creepy, but there’s no better way to let your crush know how you really feel. Try winking at them in class, or in the dining hall or maybe pass them a cute note, middle school style. If you see them Downtown, make sure to give them a hug on State Street, and loudly offer to find them a fake ID. It’s important to give all types of cues to your crush, like smiling, playful shoulder touches and following them home from class.
Classical conditioning
If all else fails, don’t forget that people are just large animals that can be trained. While you’re hanging out with your crush, suggest doing fun things like eating pizza or drinking beer, but don’t let them do any of it without giving you something first. Did they bring you flowers? One slice of pizza. Did they suggest you guys hang out again? That’s good for a beer. After a few weeks, and a highly specialized reward system, you may just be able to call your crush your new significant other.