Dumbledore once said, “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” And while we’re not facing the Dark Lord every day, students are placed in an equally tough situation all the time, all over campus.
Let’s set the scene. It’s a cold, normal day at Binghamton. You trek across campus and finally happen upon the semi-warmth of the vestibule before the actual entrance, when you see a straggler out in the distance. They want you to wait for them. So now what to do? Do you give in and let them through? Do you shun them and literally slam a door in their face? Or do you, through your own kindness, inadvertently become the Union’s new doorman?
And what if they didn’t want the door kept open? Now you’ve caused them to run. Fellow students, it’s time to set the record straight, once and for all. This mathematical formula will determine whether or not you should hold the door for someone.
Let’s start with the basics: How far away are they from the door? Let X be the number of feet that the student is away from the door. One foot away? What are you going to do, shove it in their face? You monster.
Now moving on, let Y equal how many things they are carrying. A backpack does not count; only count items that are either affecting the balance of the person, or are blocking one of their extremities from opening the door.
The next thing to consider is whether the door is a push or a pull. This is essential. The handle makes a world of difference. Any pleb can push, but it takes free hands and strength of mind to pull through a barrier of steel and wood. For a push door, subtract 3, for a push door, add 2. Let’s call this variable S.
Let’s now focus on the individual. We need to discuss your needs, as well as the lone straggler.
What are YOU carrying? How is your day going? What’s your relationship with your parents like? Now we must quantify these very hypothetical and abstract situations.
If the person is pregnant, let P equal the number of months pregnant they are (just estimate). Fill into the following equation: (P+1)X2
If you are holding a drink that’s hot or cold, let D equal the degrees of your drink. Take the absolute value of D.
Did that hot cup of coffee spill all over you? Stop doing math and go to a doctor for burn wounds.
If you are in a bad mood, how angry are you on a scale of 1 to 10? Self-evaluate, and after working it out personally find that number (let’s call it M) and add 3. Doing a good deed will brighten your day!
Now here’s the formula: X + Y + S + ((P+1)X2) + |D| + (M + 3)
Add those values up; if the number is over five, you gotta wait, buddy.