Many experience serious relationships for the first time in high school and college. When starting out, these can be fun and lighthearted, filled with PDA and a need to showcase a new partner and how in love you are to the world, especially in the honeymoon phase. But then this feeling can change. You might notice your partner being distant, refusing to discuss issues, gaslighting and in extreme cases, abusing you physically or emotionally. Toxic traits in relationships are rarely discussed because of the taboo on the subject but, especially at our age, it’s important to recognize the signs and seek out the solutions or help we need.

According to an article on verywellmind.com written by Elizabeth Scott, a toxic relationship can be defined as a relationship that leaves you feeling “unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned or attacked.” It can be seen in any type of relationship, not just romantic, that makes you feel worse rather than better and can progress over time. If you have a gut feeling that a relationship you are in might be toxic, here is a list of signs to look out for. Even if only one of these applies, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. To preface, many of these signs come from personal experiences of a relationship that turned toxic and later on abusive. These signs are not black and white — they may appear differently ini different relationships. If you you relate to anything I’ve said, just your gut.

Resistance to discussing hard topics

The silent treatment can be very hurtful from anyone but is especially hard to deal with in relationships. Having hardships by themselves isn’t always a sign of relationships going bad, but if your partner refuses to discuss these topics or decides to avoid you for days with no explanation after bringing up an issue, that is a sign that solutions won’t be reached. From my own experience, this behavior means your partner is not willing to compromise and will avoid you until you miss them enough to give into their needs instead of yours. If you are in this situation, consider giving your partner an ultimatum to show them how serious you are.

Isolation and hiding

This can go in many ways. Isolation can be your partner avoiding you, as discussed above. When doing this, they are showing you that they see their love and attention as transactional and if you bring up a problem, they will take those actions away. Isolation can also be when your partner avoids showing you off. I don’t mean this in terms of social media posts — they hide you from their friends, refuse to mention you at appropriate times, don’t introduce you to people, etc. You’re not sure why they do this, but it makes you feel like they are ashamed of dating you for some reason. Isolation can also entail your significant other demanding all your time and attention and slowly cutting you off from your friends and family. When you are separated from your support systems, you are more vulnerable and can be easily manipulated with no one else looking out for you or no one to confide in. You are at the whims of your partner.

You are giving more than you receive

This feeling is up to interpretation and can arise in different scenarios for different people. From my experience, this was an early sign of a relationship turning toxic and abusive after a few months. For me, it started with the realization that I always made plans to hang out with my partner and if I didn’t initiate it, I would not see or hear from them for days on end. Putting in more than you receive can appear in many different scenarios, so trust your gut when it comes to this.

Constant disrespect and blows to your self-esteem

Again, this is a behavior that doesn’t have a set look to it. Anything can be done to make these feelings arise. It could be them gaslighting you into thinking a problem that existed isn’t actually there. It can be them putting you down when you’re sharing something you’re excited about. For me, it happened when I just joined Pipe Dream and wanted to take my partner to social events. They would make excuses for not wanting to go and then try to convince me I wasn’t obligated to go to these events just because I wrote for the organization. In reality, I just wanted to go out with them. On top of that, they never read the articles I wrote and never asked simple things such as how my day has been. It felt like they just didn’t care and they put me down for caring.

Lashing out at you

Anger management issues are some of the earliest signs of a relationship turning abusive. It’s most commonly expressed in hostile communication skills such as yelling and name-calling but can easily escalate to hitting, throwing objects and physical force. These situations can easily turn emotionally and/or physically abusive or violent, so if your partner exhibits any of these behaviors, please tell someone you trust. It might be best for you to escape the situation.

This is not a complete list. Toxic traits can come in different forms and in different scenarios. But what should you do when you find yourself in this type of relationship? No one expects a relationship to turn down this path, but once it does, it’s important to communicate in the way that benefits your situation the most.

If a lot of the harm done is emotional or triggering, you first must consider if this relationship is worth continuing. If you are in a safe place to do so, talk to your partner about these issues first. Be open to hearing what they have to say, but don’t take anything as an excuse for actions that hurt you. From there, you can determine how you want to go forward with these relationships. If you are not in this position, go to a trusted friend or colleague and tell them what has been going on.

If violence is involved, report it as soon as you can. As someone who has experienced abuse in relationships, I know how hard it can be to do in the moment. I didn’t tell a lot of my friends until months after it took place. But once I did, I found the support I needed to break up with the person and cut them out of my life.

If you wish to go directly to a professional, there are resources on and off campus that you can go to. The Crime Victims Assistance Center (CVAC) is a center on 377 Robinson St. that offers a safe space for any victims of crimes or anyone escaping abusive relationships or sexual assault. They can be reached by calling (607) 722-4256 for a 24/7 crisis support line or texting (607) 725-8196.

Be aware of all options and do what you feel is best for the situation. For any help or questions, call CVAC or visit VARCC for professional guidance.