Dodgeball legend Patches O’Houlihan once said, “Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” As a member of the Binghamton University intramural dodgeball team, I can gladly clear this up. Dodgeball is much more than just this simple description. By no means is it not violent, exclusive and degrading, but it can also be surprisingly enjoyable.

Let me first say that I am not a dodgeball enthusiast. I may have played during color war at my camp, but before my friends signed me up to play, I never intended to. Walking into that first game, I was extremely nervous. First, I was surprised at the legitimacy of it. I was under the impression that it would be a casual game; however, I encountered a scoreboard, referees, pinnies and barriers on my entrance into the West Gym. Furthermore, the other team was nothing short of horrifying. They were doing stretches, wearing red and were large, to say the least. So, since I went into this experience completely unaware of what to expect, I figured that I could offer some guidance. Thus, here are my five D’s of intramural, co-ed dodgeball.

1. DEVISE. Your team may not be on ESPN 8 “The Ocho,” but still, a cool name is essential. Funny team names are ideal, with extra points for a pun. Try to steer away from the classics, and be creative. Names such as the “Average Joes” are overdone, and your clearly educated and thoughtful dodgeball opponents will undoubtedly judge the hell out of you for that. Instead, try respectable names such as “We’re Aiming for the Girls,” “Not in the Face” or the name that my team bears, “The Dodgefathers.”

2. DRAIN. Dating back to the time of the cavemen, man has worn pinnies to differentiate sports teams from one another. Unfortunately, despite its long history, man has yet to figure out how to get these pinnies clean. The pinnies you will be given will undoubtedly have just been used. Thus, they will have a rank stench of dirty basement mixed with football player sweat, and will be soaked. So before you put on these beautiful shirt-like items, drain and squeeze them out. (Disclaimer: They will still smell.)

3. DASH. Being fast is important. If you’re on the court, quick reflexes are a necessity. You have to dodge fast, throw fast and get balls fast. Then, there’s my job most of the time: the ball girl. If you think that this job is any less important, you would be wrong. I mean, sure, our team only has a ball person because we have an extra person, but I am just as important as the players. Back to the point, the ball girl, I mean ball person, has to run around quickly, getting the balls to her team members.

4. DISCUSS. It’s not a great idea to go out onto the court without a plan. Therefore, you and your team should create a strategy in the precious moments when you do not have balls flying at your head. You could go with the Lob-and-Destroy, the Grab-and-Go, the Hot-and-Dog, the Loopdy-Loop, the Fry Cook, the Shih Tzu, the Ten Killer or even the Ben Stiller. It must be obvious by now that no such plays exist. But see? If I can create a meaningless, useless play, so can you.

5. DOMINATE. Pretty self-explanatory. And yes, forfeits do count as victories.

So, if you are thinking of doing something unproductive, ridiculous and want to feel like you’re on a team of misfits, dodgeball is clearly your game. Hopefully these five D’s will help you on your journey to becoming a true dodgeball-e. That doesn’t sound right. Dodger? Dodgeballer? Anyway, dodgeball has been more than I expected. For the first time since high school, I’ve been part of a team again, something I actually missed a great deal. Also, a touch of competition is always exciting, as well as stress-relieving. Even if it’s just a game like dodgeball, there’s nothing like a solid victory after a game. Overall, dodgeball proves to be an escape from typical college life. While not to the extent of LARPing, the league provides a fun, child-like atmosphere, perfect for any college student looking to play around.