You’ve gathered all the proper materials: Jameson, Baileys and enough pancake mix to feed a small village. You and your roommates stayed up all night painting “Kiss Me I’m Irish” with glitter glue on green T-shirts. You’ve called all your hometown friends, your siblings, your cousins, your grandmother — convincing them that missing out on this one day of the year would be the worst thing to never happen to them. The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally come. It’s Parade Day, motherfuckers.
Everything has been prepared. Well, almost everything.
There’s that friend who practically comes with a guarantee stamped on their forehead that reads, “2 Drunk 2 Handle.” This person is always the drunkest guy at the party. It’s their birthright, or something. They’re a blast to party with, but they transform into the Tasmanian devil when they’ve had one too many beers, destroying everything that gets in their way of more alcohol. You love this person, which is probably why you are always the one stuck dealing with their inebriated selves.
We’d all like to hope that we can enjoy our Parade Day without letting them get in the way. But if they really do drink so much so that they’re in danger, be responsible, call an ambulance.
But sometimes things aren’t quite that bad, and you can still go on with your day with just a quick fix. To help you care for your borderline alcoholic friend, yet still enjoy Parade Day and all the wonder and beauty it has to offer, here’s a list of tips and tricks — tailored to specific types of drunk, for your convenience.
1. The Crier — Criers tend to sneak up on you. One minute, they’re having a grand time doing body shots, and the next they’ve burst into uncontrollable tears over spilt punch and have lost all sense of reason. The simple remedy for a crier is to distract them. Pizza usually works. Also, puppies.
2. The Overly Friendly — Overly friendly drunks are slightly more difficult. My best advice: If you can’t keep the girl away from the guy, keep the guy away from her (and vice versa). Put him in charge of music, set him up with a friend who actually wants to go there and is in the state of mind to make decisions like that or tell him you worry about what kind of diseases she’s got going on down there. Do what you’ve got to do. She can thank you for it later.
3. The Angry Drunk — No one likes an angry drunk. Why are you even friends with this person?
4. The Loser — This person regularly comes home from a night out phoneless, walletless and, at least once before, shoeless. They lose everything (not excluding their dignity). As for the phone, be sure to download “Find my iPhone” beforehand. Convince them to purchase a fanny pack for their wallet and other belongings (because the ladies like a man who can rock the belt bag). Conjure your Cub Scout skills to tie their shoelaces into a complex knot that they couldn’t even undo sober (there’s no way those suckers are coming off)!
5. The Runner — The simple solution to dealing with runners is to tie them up. You can use an oversized dog harness, and walk them around downtown as if they were your pet — your very, very drunk pet. If they simply refuse to wear the leash, at least make it easy for you to find them later. Write your name and your number somewhere visible on their body — a makeshift dog tag (“Property of (insert name). If found please call (number)”).
6. The Puker — If your friend is a puker, then you know there’s not much you can do to prevent the inevitable. Try feeding them water shots, but tell them it’s vodka (pukers will not stop drinking until there’s more coming up than going down). Otherwise, there’s not much you can do but keep some brown bags or a top hat on hand and hope for the best.
7. The Lead-Footed Drunk — There is just no going back at this point. If your friend reaches the level of drunk at which his ankles are as limp as Harry’s boneless arm, and you are dragging him by his wrists out of the bar, it’s time to go home. You’re done for the day.
At long last, when the day is done and your friend is tucked into bed (or passed out on the kitchen floor), give yourself a pat on the back for getting them home safe and sound. You’ll get them back next year.