Living with another person comes with its set of issues to work through, but what happens when your roommate is in a relationship? It can be hard to set boundaries, but if you want to live comfortably in your room you might want to set some ground rules.
“In my freshman year I roomed with someone who was a year older than me, and therefore thought he had power over me,” said Kyle, a senior majoring in history. “It’s a good thing I don’t live too far away or I probably would have been sleeping in the hallway my first semester.”
[Due to the nature of this story, the names of those interviewed have been changed to protect their privacy.]
Set up a list of rules from the very start of your relationship or the start of the semester, whichever comes first. The first rule should include the details of how often their guest is allowed to spend the night. Depending on the relationship, your roommate might argue that they can’t see the future and therefore this rule might need to be changed.
Ignore them. Set a limit.
Look at your schedules and figure out a maximum number of sleepovers per week. You should also figure out what days would work best for you.
“My roommate last year stayed up all night talking with her boyfriend, despite the fact that she knew I had an early class the next day,” said Susan, a junior majoring in English. “I finally confronted her about it, telling her that her whispers were very audible and had been keeping me awake. Eventually, we worked out a plan where I got to pre-approve the nights she picked for him to spend the night.”
The next thing on your list is probably the most important. You should get your roommate to agree that he or she won’t get frisky with his or her partner while you’re in the room. You might not care if a guest sleeps over, as long as you don’t get kicked out.
But there have been horror stories about what happens when your roommate thinks you’re asleep. You can bargain this by saying that you will do the same, if you get into a relationship. You can also give your roommate a copy of your schedule and let him or her know that when you’re in class, the room is theirs.
Just remember to never let your roommate get away with something that goes against your rules. If you let them have an extra night one week, then they’re going to wonder why the rules exist in the first place. And once the rules change, you’re going to get locked out of the room and have to sleep in the common room.
As for the people who have already had to put up with these issues for months, remember that there are still things you can do to get back in control.
Beth, an undeclared sophomore, advises compromise between the two of you.
“Don’t feel obligated to leave if they’re hanging out — it’s your room too,” she said. “Also, make sure you go about your normal bedtime routine and ask them if they can go somewhere else for a bit. The morning after (if you’ve let them have the room for the night), come back at a reasonable hour and go about morning activities. You gave them the entire night so don’t feel obligated to allow their sleepovers to turn into weekend retreats.”
As for any of you who live on campus and have tried being nice to no avail, try going to your resident assistant. They’re there for a reason. If it’s really that much of a problem, it might help to confide in them, get some help and stop sleeping on floors.
However, Ben, a junior majoring in engineering, disagrees.
“RAs may or may not be helpful, but the best thing to do is make sure you find a better roommate for next year,” he said. “It’s never too early to start looking.”