What’s the most popular study drug? Adderall? Ritalin? The answer, of course, is caffeine. But where on campus should you go to get your fix? Pipe Dream’s got you covered. In the spirit of trying not to fail, I drank four black dark roast coffees and one medium roast coffee from campus shops to tell you which ones will go down the quickest, give you a buzz and still have you begging for more.
Jazzman’s “Deep Thought” Dark Roast
This is arguably the best coffee on campus. It’s not too strong and it’s not watery, but it’s got a nice chocolatey flavor that isn’t too sweet but definitely cuts through the natural acidity of the coffee. Complex but not overpowering, the “Deep Thought” coffee is definitely the absolute best coffee to drink in gallons over finals week. Whether or not it’s worth the high price is up to you, but compared to the other upscale coffees, this is the only one that won’t be ripping you off. Ranking: 5/5
Aspretto Dark Roast (CIW)
Considering the low price, the fact that it’s in every dining hall and that it’s made by Sodexo, you’d never assume that the Aspretto brew would be any good, but it is. This coffee is not as good as Jazzman’s, but it’s a very close second, and if money is an issue for you, then it’s even better. It goes down smooth, it’s slightly bitter but not acrid, and it’s got really subtle nutty undertones that make it more full-bodied than you’d expect from something that goes for around 50 cents for a large. Ranking: 4/5
John Arthur Café’s Dark Roast
My family takes a lot of road trips, so by extension, I’ve had a lot of bad roadside diner coffee. You know the kind: it’s watery, a little burnt and there’s not much flavor. It’s not terrible, but it’s not very good either. John Arthur’s java doesn’t exactly taste like diner coffee, but it comes pretty close. It tastes a little nutty so it feels kind of rich, but after a while it starts to taste like plastic. This was the middle of the road as far as taste goes, and just like its flavor, the price is in the middle of everything else too. Ranking: 3/5
Einstein Brothers’ Neighborhood Blend (Medium Roast)
We’ve covered the good, the best and the alright, but now we’re getting into the bad. For one, Einstein’s doesn’t even make dark roast. Secondly, despite somehow being bitter and sweet at the same time, it also felt like I was drinking dishwater, which I guess could be chalked up to the fact that it’s not a dark roast. Honestly though, who cares? It tastes terrible and it’s pricey, so you should never drink it anyway. Ranking: 2/5
Starbucks Dark Roast
Where the hell do I even start with this abysmal excuse for a caffeinated beverage? First of all, it’s expensive as hell. Second of all, it tastes like someone mixed cigarette ash with battery acid. Einstein’s was pretty flavorless, but this was overwhelmingly bitter. I honestly do not understand why anyone would want to buy this beyond the company name. It’s sour, it’s burnt and I’m pretty sure it’s slowly eating away at the lining of my stomach. Ranking: 1/5