Some final questions for the final column:

What is the deal with the construction forcing me to take that annoying detour between the library and the New Union? When will it be finished and what is the point of it in the first place? Does anyone really care what color the stone tiles between these two key buildings are?

Why did it take so long for a judge to finally put Paris Hilton in jail? Why do celebrities not named Martha Stewart consistently get lesser punishments for crimes than us regular folk? Why is it that at age 18 an American man or woman can be shipped off to a desert thousands of miles away, be commissioned a deadly firearm and given orders to kill enemy soldiers, and yet still need a fake ID to buy a cold beer upon their return to home, if they return home?

Just getting started.

Why does an evangelical minister in Alabama care what a woman in New York does with her unborn child? Why does the predominantly male Congress think they should have the final word on the fate of this woman’s unborn fetus? Why does Congress think they should have the final word on what you can say on TV? Does no one trust the individual to make a choice to tune out of a program they might find offensive? Why should the government ever interfere with media unless it’s a matter of national security? Why couldn’t George W. Bush be more like Tony Blair? Why isn’t the president of the United States forced to answer any and all questions about any topic every Tuesday like the British prime minister?

Stay with me now.

Oh, word? Oh, true? Oh, yeah? What’s good? What’s really good? What’s the deal? Who clogged the toilet? Who started the fire? Seriously, who started that fire? Who was the last one to use the George Forman grill? Why is the KFC big bucket so clutch? Why does everyone think tuna fish on a bagel with cream cheese is so gross?

Why are there 24-hour news networks? Does anyone really care that much about anything going on in the world that we need to have four different 24-hour news networks and counting? Why are there so many lame TV shows? Why is ‘CSI’ so much worse than ‘Law and Order?’ How much was Jerry Orbach/Detective Brisco the man? Why have there been so many commercials on TV about retirement lately? Why does the little league World Series get broadcast on ESPN? How come ESPN 8, ‘the ocho,’ only exists in the movie ‘Dodgeball’ and not in real life?

Almost done.

Why does the Susquehanna room close before my class ends at 2:40 on Tuesdays and Thursdays forcing me to seek nourishment in the New Union? Can someone notify me if my facts are wrong in this case? Is there a Downtown on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday nights? Will there ever be a night at Tony’s where we don’t hear at least two of Journey’s greatest hits? Would we even want there to be such a night?

Why has there still not been a military intervention in Darfur? Why has there not even been discussions of a military intervention in Darfur? Why has there been talk of military intervention with Iran and not in Darfur? How does the U.N. plan to ever enforce any of the Security Council’s rulings without an actual army? How does the U.N. ever plan to accomplish anything for that matter?

Why isn’t Wegmans in every major metropolitan area? Why can you take your shopping cart to your car at Price Chopper but not at Giant? Why is everyone so surprised that the basketball player named ‘Dirk’ could not come through in the clutch? How could Manchester United get so lit up by Real Madrid? Are we sure O.J. didn’t do it? Why am I still hearing about Anna Nicole Smith’s tox-screens from her autopsy? Why couldn’t I have been born a foot taller and good at basketball or any sport for that matter? But most of all ‘ no actually, I think that’s everything.

‘ Jonathan Schwartz is a junior economics major who was inspired by Common and Mos Def’s ‘The Questions’ for this column.