The best meals, I have found, are the ones you prepare yourself. Using the finest materials, meticulously cleaning, cutting and arranging ingredients, cooking and serving are all part of this delightful process. Still, how can you cook, say, a glazed ham, knowing that you simply went to the butcher shop and bought it? You didn’t work for that ham, you just paid for it. Well, it’s time to rectify that situation.

What you’ll need is a live pig, a high-powered rifle and a knife. Raise the pig until he’s nice and plump, around 200 pounds. Then, when he least expects it, shoot him right between the eyes. Cut that sucker up and there’s your fuckin’ ham.

Now you’re going to want to cut yourself off a nice pork loin, preferably a solid five pounds of delicious meat. We’re making a delicious glazed pork loin roast!

Ingredients:

-1 pork loin roast, about 4 to 5 pounds

-Salt and pepper

-2 cups apricot nectar

-2/3 cup light brown sugar, firmly packed

-2 tablespoons cornstarch

-2.5 teaspoons dry mustard

-1.5 tablespoons cider vinegar

Score fat on roast in a diamond design (or any design you want. Be creative!). Rub salt and pepper over surface of the pork loin, as if you were giving it a sensual massage. Place roast, fat side up, on a rack in a shallow roasting pan. Insert meat thermometer into thickest part of roast, making sure it does not touch fat or bone. (Ha, read that sentence again!) Bake at 325Ã.ð for 1 hour and 45 minutes.

While that hunk of meat is cooking, combine apricot nectar and the remaining ingredients in a saucepan. Cook that shit over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is thickened and bubbly. Reserve half a cup of apricot mixture for sauce. Baste roast with remaining apricot glaze mixture. Bake for an additional 30 minutes or until the meat thermometer registers 160Ã.ð. Remove roast to a serving platter, reserving 3 tablespoons drippings. Set roast aside, and keep warm.

Combine reserved apricot mixture and drippings in a medium saucepan; stir well. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until sauce is thoroughly heated. Serve roast with sauce.

Makes 10 to 12 servings. Shit, that’s enough for a small Ukrainian family!

After you’re done, you don’t need the rest of the pig. Toss what’s left of little Babe in a river somewhere, and make sure you wash your hands thoroughly after slaughtering any livestock — and before cooking.