Drugs, alcohol and sex. Some people are going to partake in one, two or all three of these things. If you’ve decided all of those aren’t your cup o’ tea, then you can skip this entire feature (please don’t). If, however, you like to dabble in some recreational drug use, some boozing or wild unadulterated intercourse, perhaps you should read on.

The risks involved in drugs, alcohol and sex are numerous and everyone already knows what they are. Paranoia, alcohol poisoning or just waking up with a rash on your crotch: all these dangers lurk in the shadows of the happy-sunshine land of Binghamton promiscuity. What many students don’t know is that there’s help for all your problems right here on campus. Well, help for the sexual stuff, at least. If you’re looking to score a quarter-pound of weed, you’re probably going to have to take a trip to Syracuse, not that I would know anything about that.

How many times has this happened to you? You meet someone downtown, or on a rare occasion, at Late Night Binghamton during a Mario Kart tournament. You go back to whoever’s room is unoccupied, and start with the making out and the heavy petting. Someone’s on top of someone, thrusting motions are occurring with increased frequency, and all signs point to sex. Unfortunately, neither of you have a condom. “What do we do?” one of you asks.

“Well, I am on the pill,” the other says. You both figure it’s perfectly fine to slide it in. Surely there’s no harm, right? WRONG!

If you have unprotected sex, you will be expecting a child, no doubt. There are also plenty of other nice treats you can get. Let’s take a look at some of these, just so we know what’s at stake.

Herpes is a fun little diversion, if you like deformed genitals. Another great perk is that it stays with you forever, popping up like a “whack-a-mole” game. Don’t think it’s reserved just for your no-no parts, either. You perform oral on someone with an open sore and you can expect a nice looking blister on your lips. Ladies, forget about taking a batch in the face. There’s no amount of makeup to cover up a herpes-infected eye. Mmm, yummy.

A very common STD is chlamydia, which is Latin for “pure fun.” What’s also cool is that there’s a good chance you might have it right now, and not even know it. That’s right, half of all men and three-quarters of all women who have it have no friggin’ clue! Sweet! Forget about treating it, which requires antibiotics: where’s the fun in that? Ignore it and go blind. Eyesight is overrated. Swollen balls, burning piss, oily discharges and vaginal bleeding: the four horsemen of the apocalypse? No, more like a good time in Taiwan.

An old classic is syphilis. This is one gift that keeps on giving. First you get sores. Then months later, you get more sores, until finally your body is covered. It’s like free tattoos, only you don’t pick the design. If you decide to keep syphilis after your 30-day free trial period, you’ll be treated to bouts of insanity, blindness and possibly a heart attack. Not too bad for the little bacteria that could.

Here’s my personal favorite: gonorrhea, a.k.a. “the clap.” In males, this is most often characterized by difficulty urinating, along with “thick, copious, purulent” (condensed milk-like) “urethral discharge.” The best part of all this is that the aforementioned discharge has a name: gleet. Just say that to yourself. Gleet. If you don’t smile at the thought of that word, there’s something wrong with you. If you can’t smile because your face has been paralyzed by a sexually transmitted infection, then that’s acceptable. Otherwise, lighten up. Gleet! Women can also experience the wonders of gleet, so don’t feel left out ladies. There’s plenty of gleet to go around.

Possibly the best thing about the clap is how it got its name. A traditional treatment was to literally “clap” the penis on both sides simultaneously, in order to clear out all the gleet. I would pay to see that, honestly I would. Wow, I love gonorrhea.

In case you can’t tell what sarcasm is, none of these diseases are very fun to have. They’re also preventable, and should you already have one, they’re treatable. All your resources are right here on campus. By the time you read this, Valentine’s Day will have passed, and there’s a chance a good many of you engaged in sexual activities. Maybe some of you didn’t know there were free condoms literally everywhere on campus, so here’s the rundown:

At Health Services, that little place behind Newing, there’s a wonderful room with a wonderful woman named Judy who will be more than happy to give you a bag full of condoms. Not just any condoms, either. There are tuxedo condoms, extra-large condoms, multi-colored condoms, flavored condoms, female condoms and many others. There’s an abundance of free lube too, some of it cola-, raspberry- and vanilla-flavored. Sometimes I put some in my oatmeal just for fun.

They also provide testing, in case you’re worried that your inability to piss in the Rat’s bathroom trough is a result of gleet buildup. Nobody has to know: there’s no separate sign-up sheet for those with burning balls. Go and get yourself tested, ladies and gentlemen. Remember the words of G.I. Joe: “Knowing is half the battle.”

For anyone living in the dorms, listen up. Your RA office has a fishbowl full of prophylactics. If you’re too lazy to walk to the office and grab some before you bump uglies, then you should consider sterilization. I’m sure there’s some lube in there too, for those Saharan vaginas out there.

This is a free service provided to you, because God knows we pay enough for food and books. The very least the University can do is make sure our genitals aren’t inflamed. Not only that, but you can take all sorts of posters and information sheets from the infirmary about alcohol, drugs and sex that you can hang up in your room or your suite.

There’s no reason why anyone should be without protection. Nobody knows what anyone has nowadays, so put your raincoat on. Get down to Health Services, if only because getting a free bag of assorted condoms is probably the coolest thing in the world. WRAP YOUR DONG!