Long Island — it’s like nibbling on the beaver. You either hate it or love it.

Long Island is simply the remains of a large glacier that once covered New York State. That huge heap of ice reached the Atlantic, dumped all of its sedimentary garbage and then receded. You hear that, Long Islanders? You are glacial leftovers.

Sure, the rest of New York was there first, but who cares? It’s not like we “Upstaters” mean anything. So what if Rockland and Westchester are just as nice as Long Island with the added bonus of being closer to Manhattan. We have 7-11’s, too. However, if you say I’m from Upstate, oh Great People of Nassau and Suffolk, I guess it’s true.

I am sorry my daddy failed to purchase me a BMW 3 Series for my birthday, and God forbid I trek through the snow sporting a pair of Timberland boots instead of Uggs. Unlike you, I do not spend hours laying out my designer clothes and standing in front of the mirror doing my hair and makeup. So what if my favorite outdoor pastime is drinking in the woods? At least I won’t get any sand in my fresh cold brew.

I will give you this — the beaches are a plus. I do enjoy frequenting Smith Point and Robert Moses when I can persuade my lazy Long Island boyfriend to take me there. Sure, I can drive an hour to a Jersey beach, but I’d rather not have to worry about swimming in raw sewage.

Not all Long Islanders are bad, either. Hell, half my friends are from Long Island, though it’s not as if Binghamton gave me any other options. It’s just the snotty, stuck up rotten tomatoes who give everyone else a bad name. Maybe one day I’ll own a house out in the Hamptons with my gorgeous husband after I become a successful physical therapist, and we’ll take our kids to Splish Splash on hot summer days. Of course, all my Christmas shopping will be done at the Roosevelt Field Mall and …

Wait, what point was I trying to make again? Oh yeah, Long Islanders suck! And so does your hockey team, so HA! I’ve got the biggest concrete monstrosity in the Northeast (aka: the Pallisades Mall) in my backyard, so poo poo to you!

Seriously, everyone needs to get over this geography war already. There really is NO difference between Long Island and the rest of the metropolitan area, except that I’m located to the west of the city and Long Island is to the east. Nobody ever said that the west is the best; Columbus dared to go west and now we have a national holiday named after him.

Listen, all I’m asking for is a little respect for the girl from Rockland who lives 15 minutes away from Manhattan. Contrary to popular belief, I am not from Upstate, so stop making me defend it! I just want some Long Island love — is that so much to ask?