From the people who have brought us such greats as “Co-ed Tryouts” and “Ultimate Spring Break” comes the new extreme study break film: “Rathskeller Revelries.” Call now and you’ll get “Pepe’s Panty Spectacular” too, for just $9.99!

It’s true; the “Girls Gone Wild” crew came to Binghamton, N.Y., this past Saturday night, tour bus and all in tow. Did they realize that it was 28 degrees outside and that most girls were heading down to State Street in sweaters? To me, “GGW” means beaches, bikinis and, of course, boobs … so I thought they only frequented tropical paradises, not windy, rainy hell holes.

When I first saw the flyer advertising the event, I thought, “Wow, what a great marketing scheme. Chrissy (the owner of the fine establishment) is a genius!” However, when I descended the staircase into the Rat and was greeted by a hoard of randy men crowding around the stage, I knew it was true.

The sausage-to-cooter ratio must have been at least 7 to 1. They might as well have been handing out free drugs or double bacon cheeseburgers the way these guys were hungrily trying to catch a glimpse of anything they could.

I swear, it was as if these boys had never seen the mammary gland before in their lives. What are you, the 40-year-old virgin? I think the scene was adequately captured on the T-shirt the host was proudly sporting, which proclaimed, “I love boobies!”

I almost turned into a feminist right there on the slimy, beer-covered floor of the Rathskeller. I know men often treat women like total pieces of meat, but this was too much for me to take. The host was screaming at the crowd, “Back up or else you won’t see boobies!” If that isn’t degrading, then I don’t know what is.

Remember, I almost became a feminist, but since these girls do not have enough respect for their future careers and their parents, who will see these television commercials, I can’t really pity them.

Boys really are so stupid. What all of you dumb men failed to realize was that if you put even one-tenth of the effort into talking to one of the girls at the bar that night as you did at trying to catch a glimpse of boobs, you would have gotten more than just a flash of skin — try your own personal wet T-shirt showing and then some.

I think it’s unbelievable how much effort men put into finding a good porno site, yet when they throw such pathetic pickup lines at us as, “Yo, you’ve got to be here!” they wonder why they head home alone every night. Girls really aren’t complicated creatures. We want to be kissed and cuddled, and shown some interest. Try it, boys, and then you won’t have to push up against each other in a sweaty heap to see a flash of nipple.

If you do take the talking-to-girls approach, just make sure not to go up to us and say, “Who needs ‘Girls Gone Wild’? I have a camera and a bedroom so we could make our own movies.” That will NOT work, you creepster!

At the end of the night, only one person came out of the Rat a winner. It surely wasn’t the pathetic ogling boys or any of the girls who pranced around on stage. It was the Rat owner, who surely hauled in a nice load of money, because if history has taught us anything, it’s that if you build it, they will come — or was it, if there is a wet T-shirt contest, the boys are sure to come flocking?

Erica Fritz is a senior psychology and pre-med major who thinks we should start having white brief contests. It’s only fair.