After having read the placards that the University placed around campus describing the purpose of all of that terrifically inconvenient construction — presumably aimed at consoling all the poor alumni who were unable to walk their favorite shortcuts — I had anxiously awaited the unveiling of the new, fully beautified campus … one that would instill generations to come with a sense of pride in our fine establishment.

Unfortunately, I realized, stone sidewalks were the least of BU’s problems.

More even than beauty, Binghamton University seems desperate to create a sense of tradition, so it can at least pretend to compete with schools that boast of being established before the Triple-Cities area was even recognized as a city. It is, then, exceedingly ironic that I’ve come across these small morsels of trivia, which I will now share with you.

The road commonly known as the “Brain,” is, in fact, no such thing. It may seem trivial, but the Brain is in fact listed under three names in official geography mapping data. The main entrance, which at any other school would boast such a proud name as to cause one’s eyes to well up with tears, is designated “Central.” That’s it. The end.

“Central.”

The master of originality who graced with his presence the naming process of the campus’s main roads nothing if not thorough. This individual also proceeded to name the east part of the brain “East,” and somewhere over near Hinman, it officially becomes “West.” The side entrances to the University are not to be outdone: both the east and west entrances are labeled as simply “College Entrance.”

But the crown jewel, the holy grail if you will, of road names on campus is in fact the road that runs the length of campus behind Mountainview. This renowned strip of macadam is listed simply as “Connector.” Step aside Schwarzenegger, the “Connector” is here — and it has endangered salamanders.

In my infinite wisdom and love for this University, I propose to assist administrators in their obvious state of creative emergency. I have considered, during the more lengthy of my lecture-format classes, possible alternative names. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

— “Closed for Half of the Year Because of the Damn Salamanders” Crossroads

— “You Should Really Come to Our School” Boulevard

— “Really Long Way Around Campus Because All the Short Ways are Closed for Construction” Path

— “Uphill Side of Campus” Lane

— “Downhill Side of Campus” Run

— “Too Effing Many Deer” Crossing

— “UPD is Watching” Drive

— “Hell, if You Need Parking in CIW, 9th Circle”

— “Lois Loves BU, not SUNY-Binghamton” Lane

I’m sure the University need not stop there — there are multitudes of forgotten connectors and cardinal directions and entrances that are in dire need of real names. I suggest a naming contest. It’d be the best thing since sliced bread … or Sciences I-IV.