I got home from Acapulco this past Sunday, down $1,500 and sick as a dog. Despite the blow to my bank account, I am now the spring break guru and I feel that it is only fair to pass my knowledge on to you, Binghamton University. It would be wise to keep this list of spring break Do’s and Don’ts handy for next year.

Do dance with the devil. He can give you sex, drugs and certainly HOUSE (for those of you who don’t understand … you should download some quality spring break music … )

Don’t hook up with people from your college, you idiot. You’re in another country.

Do talk to the cab drivers. They can tell you about queso, the shocker and anything else you want to know.

Don’t use the pick up line, “Girl, if you were a shot, you’d go down so smooth I wouldn’t even need a chaser.” It will not get you ass.

Do tip bartenders in shekels. The look you’ll get is priceless.

Don’t urinate in public. It’s a one-way ticket to jail.

Do eat at local restaurants. Authentic food is delicious, while the all-inclusive meal plans blow.

Don’t take too many tequila shots. They aren’t joking when they say “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila — floor.”

Do take advantage of side excursions. Deep-sea fishing, scuba diving and jet skiing beat out baking on the beach any day.

Don’t Nair your chest, bikini line, nipples or ass. You will bleed.

Do work on your tan because you sure as hell won’t be getting one in Binghamton.

Don’t eat the bull burgers. For the love of God, don’t do it.

Do take full advantage of the open bar. Is there anything sweeter than unlimited booze?

Don’t take photos of the man with one crab leg wheeling around on a skateboard. He may or may not be God.

Do go to Wal-Mart and buy booze. Three dollars for a six-pack of Coronas can’t be beat.

Don’t enter a wet t-shirt contest if you are fugly. Save yourself and everyone else the embarrassment.

Do drink massive amounts of water when you get back from the clubs. Hangovers are about as much fun as seeing a 70-year-old flash her saggy goodies to the crowd.

Do win the Mardi Gras bead contest. Not only will you win a free spring break, but you’ll also contract herpes!

Don’t win the Mardi Gras bead contest, you slut!

Do throw as many bottles, bags of poop, spoiled milk or vomit, and jugs filled with urine into the pool as you can from your balcony.

Don’t eat hot dogs from the street vendors. You don’t want any additional reason to revisit your friends Ralph and John.

Don’t swim in the pool at the Casa Inn.

Did I mention? Don’t swim in the pool, don’t swim in the pool — oh and, DON’T SWIM IN THE POOL!

Erica Fritz is a junior psychology major, and she really knows how to have a good time.