Doctor Gregory House’s motto about society is that ‘everybody lies.’ He then proceeds to compare my facial features to that of a pineapple ‘ an unripe pineapple. He has a point, though (not the ‘my face looks like a pineapple’ part, just the ‘everybody lies’ part). Everybody does lie, especially in relationships. I know I’ve exaggerated some details of a story in order to impress a girl ‘ like the one where I saved an elderly woman who only had 24 hours to live, from getting hit by a runaway bus, which had a bomb connected to the speedometer and if it went under 50 mph, it would explode (I know it sounds similar to the plot of ‘Speed,’ but it’s not ‘ it’s my life). Although I’ve never lied about loving a girl so I can get her into bed, men have been known to do that ‘ let’s just say, this is a story of one woman’s revenge.

Matthew Dubay can only be described in words not appropriate for a college newspaper ‘ or any newspaper. Simply put, he’s a big steaming pile of ‘stupidity poo.’ His now ex-girlfriend, Lauren Wells, knew he didn’t want to have a child and continuously assured him that having sex without a condom was okay because she couldn’t get pregnant due to the use of birth control pills and a medical condition. I later found out that the medical condition was her ugliness. She now has a seven-month-old daughter and guess who’s the father? You guessed it, Dubay the Stupid. However, he claims to have no responsibility for the child since he was tricked into believing she was infertile. The bigger concern is how a 25-year-old computer programmer from Michigan got laid in the first place. Hmm, I love mysteries.

Nicknamed the ‘Roe v. Wade for Men’ case, Dubay is being sued by his ex-girlfriend for avoiding the payment of child support for their daughter (this kid is going to be traumatized). After the ruling was in favor of Wells, a men’s rights group called the National Center for Men, appealed to federal court on Dubay’s behalf. The group argued that if a woman has the choice of abortion, adoption or raising the child, then a man should have the choice to decline financial support for a child who is the result of an unintended pregnancy. The three judges of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit listened, pimp-slapped Dubay and ruled his case as ‘ridonkulous.’

I understand the inequality men face when it comes to child support, but the reason state and federal courts rule in favor of it is to ensure that the child receives financial support from both parents. I agree. Whether or not you intend to get that barmaid at the bowling alley pregnant or knock up your history professor, you’re responsible for that child. It has half of your DNA and it gets half of your money. Of course the real argument is that men don’t have a choice. Uh, that’s a good thing. You think if men had a choice, would they actually choose to pay the tuition of some kid they view as an accident? There are tons of deadbeat dads out there chilling in some strip club or sports bar (I was going to say Hooters, but that’s a family restaurant). If you’re gullible enough, as was Dubay, to get someone pregnant when you didn’t want to, then you qualify for paying child support. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t love Lauren Wells, or even the child. What matters is that child is the product of their unholy union of bodily fluids and they must deal with it.

So, fellow male college students, wrap your junk, otherwise you’ll be pawning your Xbox 360 to pay for diapers. Ladies ‘ holler at me! (I don’t really talk like that.)