Someone once told me that guys and girls have more genetic differentiation than chimps and humans do. While I think that might not be scientifically valid, it does help explain why guys and girls bash heads all the time.

I have many guy friends that often come to me to get my opinion on their girl troubles. They ask me about the wording of certain text messages, how to get someone in bed but not seem like an asshole and what a few quick encounters at bars might mean in regard to whether or not the girl’s really interested. My single girlfriends ask me similarly petty questions that I don’t know the answers to, like, ‘At 9:23 p.m., he added that he’s looking for random play in his Facebook profile. What do you think it means?’

Though everyone seems to fret about these similar little details when they really like someone, guys and girls couldn’t be more different. Guys play video games, steal road signs, play asshole and think about sex every 30 seconds (I know, I’ve done research). Sometimes during a Madden match, they might mention a girl that they’re interested in, but begin and finish the conversation in a minute and a half until it turns again to football.

Girls, on the other hand, spend most of their day talking about the guys they’re interested in or their boyfriends that they either love or hate on that particular day. When girls hang out they talk and talk and talk. While guys are simple, pragmatic and introverted, girls are analytical and overly obsessive about their relationships. While guys tend to think with their penis when it comes to sex, girls think about their emotions, the potential implications and their reputation.

The innate differences between guys and girls really makes me wonder how relationships work at all, but also helps to explain why all fights between the two sexes are almost exactly the same. A girlfriend gets mad at a boyfriend because he was inconsiderate and not thinking about her feelings. A boyfriend says she has to tell him what her feelings are because he isn’t a ‘mind reader’ and can’t be expected to guess what they might be.

Boyfriends get mad at girlfriends because they’re primitive and have to control their woman like animals in the wild do. Just short of pissing on their girlfriends to mark their territory, they try to tell them where to go, who to hang out with and what to wear. Girlfriends say that after this little thing we call feminism, they don’t have to do what a man tells them to.

All arguments between girls and guys are inevitably the same and evidence that guys and girls are just genetically different and will never completely understand each other. Whether it is a credible scientific fact or not, it is my contention that guys and girls are more different than humans and apes. After all, a chimp climbs trees, eats, sleeps and shits just like humans. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?