A lot of my guy friends seem very interested in having sex in weird places: the library, a park, a fitting room, the ass (but that‘s another topic entirely) and so on. They seem to think that the idea of getting caught adds to the excitement and pleasure of the act. But I, and any other girl I’ve spoken to on the matter, feel that it takes away from sex’s physical delightfulness.

Sex in a bed is wonderful — it’s basically like lying on a cloud, and if you’re into role playing you can be anywhere you want to be, but comfortably. I’ve been in museums, bars, church confessionals, on principle’s desks, in a boat and stranded on a desert island, all within the privacy of my own room. There, I don’t have to worry about who might catch me.

And I’m sorry, but unless you’re gonna do it in, let’s say, the Guinness Brewery in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day (true story), it’s not worth it. At least those circumstances make for a story that is semi-interesting for others to listen to.

I mean, I’ve gotta say, if you decide that you really want to have sex in Bartle “for the story,” chances are all you’ll even get is a “Wow, that’s cool,” by indifferent people who actually think it’s clich√É.√©, overdone and just plain uncreative.

Most importantly, I feel that guys into sex in weird places just plain don’t understand how to please their woman and only care about getting off quickly, and then bragging to their friends about it. Good sex, for girls anyway, requires thinking about the sex itself instead of worrying about “who’s gonna find me,” and then stopping every five minutes because you hear elevator doors opening or the heater starting up.

So girls, listen up: don’t have sex with you man in an “un-ordinary” place, because while you’ll think he’s cool for suggesting it, you’ll realize that the sex is disappointing and uncomfortable, makes for a less than semi-compelling story and your “cool man” will immediately turn pussy when suddenly the possibility of getting caught turns him into a furtive, glancing, nervous little poodle.