I am going to jam a kitchen knife into the heart of the next guy who says, “There are no hot girls in Binghamton.” Yup, right into the heart — that’s just how sick of it I really am.

Our generation is growing up in a a sick world. Hugh Hefner, a 70-year-old Viagra poppin’ pervert, can shtup five hot blondes at a time. Turtle from “Entourage” (if you’re not familiar, just think about what kind of guy warrants a nickname like Turtle) can get with models from 50 Cent videos. And Flava Flav can sit patiently in his viking hat with a bucket of fried chicken while dolled up ghetto bitches fight to the death for his love.

I rant, I know, but these images have become so subconsciously stamped on the male psyche that when guys get to college, they feel that they’re entitled to Maxim girls whose lists of favorite activities include football, chugging beer and watching her man play Madden (or so they claim).

Welcome to the real world, guys — girls wear sweat pants, have more than an ounce of body fat and have better things to do than hire a crew of hair and makeup professionals to toil away for hours dolling them up every morning.

I loathe the guys sitting at home on their fat asses, playing video games and eating potato chips, complaining at the lack of Sloan look-alikes and super models at this school.

Before you all dismiss me as a crazy, feminist guy-hater that doesn’t shave my legs, I have to give some of you props. I’m willing to admit that there are some guys out there that do appreciate the chicks around here.

My friend Bob, for example, always tells me that everywhere he looks on campus, he sees a girl he’d like to “take out to dinner and have good conversation with” (yeah, that’s exactly how he phrased it). He also loves and appreciates when freshmen girls hike their skirts up sky-high when they go Downtown.

Another guy friend of mine, Graham, likes to remember the fact that there were never more than 15 hot girls at a time in high school. Now, he says, he notices hundreds of girls when he goes out, or even around campus, that are really good looking, and advises that anyone who complains about them should remember where they come from … their mothers’ vagina (thanks, Graham, very helpful).

There are attractive girls everywhere you look ’round here, and they have the added advantage of being moderately intelligent (unlike Maxim girls’ who’s greatest aspirations are to be centerfolds in Playboy or minor characters on shitty sitcoms). If you Long Island boys would just put your pastel collars down, remove your slightly off centered baseball caps and open your eyes, you might be able to see what you’re missin’.

Micol Zweig is a junior English major. The assistant opinion editor wants to remind her that, she, in fact, is a hot girl.