Lock: New Orleans (-2) over Baltimore

I’m 0-7 on locks. Even the Raiders won before I did. I don’t quite understand it, but I guess it is something to be proud of, and anyone who bets opposite of me has to be happy because they’re rich. But as always, I feel very strongly about my lock this week. Baltimore is soo overrated right now … Steve McNair at QB? That is soo 2001. Plus, the Superdome is impossible to win at right now. The Saints seem to have God on their side this year, and I have to figure he’s more powerful than the jinx of being Mark Macyk’s Lock of the Week.

Upset Special: Atlanta (+4 1/2) over Cincinnati

Genius move by Jim Mora Jr. last week, starting Michael Vick from “Madden 2004” instead of the imposter who’s been playing in his place for the past few seasons. Not revealed after the game was that the imposter was in fact the infamous Ron Mexico, and he’s expected to once again miss this game with an unknown “illness.” Expect Madden Vick to turn in another monster performance in Cincinnati.

Game 1: Giants (No Line) over Tampa Bay

Tampa Bay plans to have former Giants kicker Matt Bryant kick field goals of 65, 70 and 75 yards this week at the Meadowlands. Giants fans are not worried, because they know the truth, that Matt Bryant does, in fact, suck.

Game 2: Tennessee (-3) over Houston

It is true that the Titans used to play in Houston; it is not true, however, that Canada is planning to annex both cities to allow the Titans and Texans to play in the CFL where they belong.