State your case

A man who calls himself a “stateless American” was found floating on a raft made of oil barrels and wood planks on Saturday in the Skagerak Sea, near Sweden. According to USA Today, Swedish authorities say the man claims his name is George Williams, but has no identification, and won’t reveal where in the United States he is from. However, he would like to be sent to New York City. Williams says he was thrown off of a ship, but has left the procurement of his raft unexplained.

I’m blowing smoke up your ass

“He told us he took off his clothes because as he was going down the chimney the clothes would rub up against it and slow him down,” said Lt. Gary Branson of the Hayward, Calif. Police Department. Branson was referring to Michael Urbano, 23, who was rescued from his own chimney on Saturday. Reuters reported that Urbano, who was naked, had locked himself out of his house, and attempted to enter from above.

The best stuff is in Genesis

The Bible can serve many purposes, and apparently one of those is drug smuggling. According to WKYC-TV, Huntington, Ind., police said on Monday that Amy Duckworth admitted to assisting in a scheme to supply her husband with heroin. Duckworth’s husband, who is in jail, was going to remove the heroin from the spines of the two Bibles and then sell it to other inmates.

Have a slice!

Weddings, like many family gatherings, can sometimes be uncomfortable for participants. But a wedding in Raymond, Ohio, last Saturday takes the cake. According to the Associated Press, “a bride’s stepfather has been charged with stabbing the woman’s father and brother in an argument” — over cake. Eric D. Adams, 36, of Plain City, Ohio, has been charged with two counts of felonious assault.