There comes a time in the life of every Binghamton University student when it is deemed necessary to endeavor in the most sacred ritual of college life: the house party. During such an event, it’s easy to just place kegs hither and thither and hope for the best. However, that could be a recipe for disaster. If you prepare for your fiesta properly, you can ensure that your party is not just another tribute to claustrophobia.

Prior to the event:

Clean your house — granted, you’ll have to clean it again tomorrow, but, generally, it’s nice to make sure that your first guests aren’t scared away by that slice of cheese stuck to the wall, or last night’s bile in the corner.

Tell your neighbors about your “get-together,” especially the townies — this may sound crazy, but trust us, it works. Cops become unwanted guests at parties when neighbors complain about noise. One way you can avoid such a nuisance is to approach prospective complainers prior to the event and give them your cell phone number. Tell them they can call you if it gets too noisy. Neighbors usually appreciate the courtesy, and it almost always prevents unexpected police interruptions.

Some fraternities even tell the actual police department beforehand — no joke. Sending an emissary into enemy territory can actually be helpful. Cops would prefer not to waste time on noise complaints, so if they have your phone number and can just call you if they receive one, they will. If you don’t believe us, you don’t have to try, but it’s a fairly well-tested strategy.

HIDE VALUABLES! — Unfortunately, a sad truth about parties is that they often include scummy pilferers. Anything you own that is worth even one penny more than $0.50 should be locked away in your bedroom. Seriously, it’s amazing what people will take from your house after drinking your beer. Dishware, food, even that “Reserved for Marcy Resident Director” parking sign that you stole sophomore year — you know, the one that you cherished — everything is vulnerable when you let the vultures in your home.

Make sure you have all the necessary supplies (other than kegs and a couple of pong tables). You’ll need stuff like red plastic cups, a sharpie, pitchers, ice, rags, mops, garbage bags and large containers.

If you know anyone with a Sam’s Club membership, borrow their card. Sam’s Club offers packs of 240 red cups for about $8.60. The rest of your supplies can be purchased on the cheap at Wal-Mart or any supermarket.

During the event:

Keg Placement — Choose a spot for each keg that won’t clog traffic — that means avoid placing your keg near entrances and exits, and along major thoroughfares (such as in a hallway).

Also, put your kegs in large open containers (such as Rubbermaid√É.√Æ Garbage cans). This will help keep spilled beer and melted ice from getting all over the floor. It’ll make your cleanup tomorrow that much easier.

Rags — Keep some near each pong table. Connoisseurs of the beering arts will appreciate it.

Have more than one person at the door — keep more than one housemate at the entrance at all times (we suggest three). One person handles cash transactions, another dispenses cups, sharpie markers or both, and the third person a) helps regulate, and b) makes sure that all three are constantly supplied with sweet, sweet brewery confections.

Generally, it’s best to funnel people in through the back door; this eliminates the unwanted attention that can be associated with a long line of people jutting into the street.

After the event:

The Morning After — When you wake up and drag your feet along the floor, through an obstacle course of cups, sleeping freshmen and vomit, you’ll be happy you bought those garbage bags and mops yesterday. If you live with someone who’s in a fraternity, have him order his pledges to use said products accordingly.

Start planning your next party — having followed Release’s tips, your party was successful! People now recognize your house as a purveyor of good times. Congratulations!