All of the naysayers of optimistic indulgence and their lesser cousins of ‘at least knowing when to keep quiet’ are going on holiday this week and sating their cynical gullets with a sweet potato binge and enough uncomfortable silence at the family dinner table to make the Buddhist monastery in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, want to scream.

You may or may not be looking forward to that, but nevertheless, there are some things to be thankful for:

1. The eminent release of Super Mario Galaxy for the Nintendo Wii, the first full-reign fantastical adventure piloted by America’s favorite undying stereotype and Italy’s long-standing shame.

More exciting, or relevant at all, than the actual game will be the ensuing shopping firestorm and Soulless Friday that its release will christen ‘ like a Running of the Bulls for the priority-defunct set.

2. Michael Jackson on the cover of the December Ebony. This is not a typo, printer’s error or lapse in literary comprehension. The once sane King of Pop himself adorns the month’s leading African-American interest publication, once and for all giving all white boys the chance to join the NBA, rock Nike high tops and campaign against the disenfranchisement of black youth in America.

3. Alex Rodriguez’s plans to re-establish himself as the most recognizable martyr for Not Knowing When to Get Out of Dodge. Self-indulgent Rod’s continued operatics in the face of the media and his undying ability to take a hint is a testament to the fact that you don’t need to be self-aware to be famous. In fact, it’s a lot easier if you’re just not.

4. Starbucks’ unleashing of their barrage on time relevance. The debut of the coffee chain’s beloved red Christmas-themed cups at 12:01 a.m. the day after Halloween proves the holidays start when capitalism says it does, and not one second later.

And Uncle Sam be damned if we can’t get that turkey into a Santa’s hat by Nov. 5.

5. The time when the Bush administration must cease mucking up the world is nigh, and no one ‘ absolutely no one ‘ can do a worse job, even in the unlikely case he’s a Republican or she’s a Democrat.

We could theoretically hand the popular vote to a first grade class full of boys and girls ‘ knowing full well they will institute a policy of mandatory nap times, cookie and juice embargoes on threatening nations, and appoint a War Cabinet of stuffed animals and Baby Einstein videos on constant loop ‘ and then hop them up on mescaline, and they could still do less damage than Georgie the II.

Barring Cheney riding a nuke between his legs down into Iran in the vein of Slim Pickens in ‘Dr. Strangelove,’ this nation should be in the clear this time next year.

6. Barry Bonds is going to jail.

7. Fred Thomas is being taken as least somewhat seriously, giving both hope and credence to the notion of a Cabinet composed of Chief of Staff Christopher Meloni, Secretary of State Richard Belzer and Secretary of Homeland Security Ice-T in constant character as Detective Odafin Tutuola. Also, the national anthem might very well be amended to include the delightful scene-change accompaniment. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

8. Barry Bonds is most assuredly going to jail.

Dun Dun.

9. The writers’ strike: The writers’ strike is just the thing I need to infiltrate the business. Assuming macchiatos at L.A. Coffee Beans hold out for another six months and the egos of cast members from ‘The Office’ don’t deflate, I’ll be picking up my meal ticket at the Rainbow Room come New Year’s 2009.