Undoubtedly, the better part of you have already wreaked your Halloween rascality, basking in the autumnal glory of underclassmen in threadbare children’s costumes and enough sugar to turn Toucan Sam into a diabetic. Yet the world does not stop making a mess of itself just so you can dress up as your favorite sexual innuendo, no matter how dexterous the hot gluing turned out.

So in order to enjoy yourself while remaining aware of the increasingly enjoyable social tumult outside: a guide to topical costumes in today’s zany culture fest!

The Political Scarecrow: Procure an ill-fitting monochromatic suit and complementary homely dress shirt. Be liberal with the starch. Adorn with poorly groomed facial hair. Do not shower. To demonstrate extreme awareness, add a Columbia sweatshirt around the waist.

The Disgraced Athlete: An applique ’13’ on the back of a pinstriped baseball jersey makes this costume complete. No need to add letters ‘ as a proud member of the Evil Empire, you’ve been stripped of your last name, personality, people skills and morality!

For added effect, do not hit any baseballs, no matter how important the scenario might be. Hitting baseballs when completely unnecessary, however, is allowed.

Variant Two: A red football jersey, several doggie toys and an unabashed stance on animal rights translate into hours of fun for the kids.

Variant Three: Adding the number ’25’ to a kitschy crucifix earring makes for both good conversation and lucid social awareness. Don’t answer any questions not explicitly concerning the immediate quality of the game at hand. Wear a perpetually blank stare. Act like you hate Bob Costas.

Variants Four to Six: Put on some yellow spandex. Get on a bike. Concede to nothing.

The Disgraced Politico du Jour: Sport your grandfather’s most unassuming suit. Accessorize with a novelty tie, preferably from Brooks Brothers, and affix toilet paper to loafers. Consider learning how to tap dance.

The Media Train Wreck: Pair a skewered wig of a noxious blonde hue with an unflattering brassiere. Further pair a perpetually blank stare with a curious inability to remain indoors or away from cameras.

The Lovable yet Misguided Would-be Convict: Prior to hitting the pavement, autograph and mail out several items of sports memorabilia to several choice locations about town. On the night of nights, make your way to each of these locales and become increasingly belligerent in demanding that these priceless nostalgia be relinquished unto you. Do not attempt to wear blackface.

Zombie: A sweatshirt, three applique Greek letters of your choice and a healthy disregard for self-awareness. Simple and cost-efficient!

The Bloodthirsty Manifestation of Soulless Terror Incarnate: Wear an Ann Coulter mask.