College is a notoriously “liberal” place. College liberal elitism is the ultimate ideological bone conservatives have to pick in this country — one of the last hold outs of hippies and beatniks draining our “moral lifeblood” or something stupid like that. What humors me greatly is this absolutely massive and pervasive misconception of what being a “conservative” or a “liberal” really means, the real definitions stemming from the early rise of modern western states.

Let me dispel the most salient and overarching myth — that George Bush is somehow a conservative. George Bush is more liberal than Bill Clinton. Before you scoff and use this article to blow your nose, listen. Real conservatives such as myself (I am a Democrat, by the way), would not run a country $477 billion into debt. Real conservatives are forbearing, austere and frugal people who understand the value of strict fiscal responsibility and efficiency. This was supposed to be the MBA presidency, and it turned out to be the Fischer-Price presidency. The size of the federal government has grown faster under George Bush’s tenure than anytime since the New Deal. It doesn’t help that the Republican “conservative” Congress is like a mom spoiling her son rotten.

Real conservatives would not ineptly and needlessly employ the military halfway around the world, incurring tremendous human and monetary costs, without doing their homework. Real conservatives avoid war — it’s an expensive, inefficient means of settling disputes.

Abortion, another harbinger of the socio-political spectrum, is grossly misunderstood. A real conservative is pro-choice. A genuine conservative believes in small, limited unobtrusive government. This does not mean I like the idea of abortion. I find it grotesque, but it is no business of any government to tell a woman how to conduct herself. Neoconservatives like Bush are closer to utopian socialists than classical conservatives

A real liberal believes in a euphoric state, a government-constructed state, one in which the government advances and enforces ideals and values on the citizenry. Abortion, or lack thereof, for instance, is a value the religious “right,” which is the government at the moment, is trying to enforce on women. This is quintessential liberal government intervention, just not in a manner we are accustomed to thinking about.

The most cogent and scathing rebuff of Bush’s purported conservatism comes by the way of former National Policy Institute Fellow Bruce Bartlett, one of the nation’s foremost conservative thinkers who has contributed to the pages of the New York Times, LA Times, Wall Street Journal and others. His new book is an absolute gem, entitled “Imposter: How George Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy.” The title speaks for itself.

Bill Clinton soundly managed the federal government, including a blazingly effective, extremely well-managed, cost-efficient war fought in the Balkans under the auspices of NATO and he handed off a surplus to George W. Bush.

When Bush assumed the controls, he ran the largest deficits and debts in the history of the country and fought heedless, needless wars in areas of the world he did not understand. Moreover, he added entire completely useless and redundant executive departments and expanded the size and spending rate of the federal government.

I am a conservative. Now you tell me who the real conservative president was.

Joseph C. Galante-Eisenberg is a junior economics major, and he’s definitely not a liberal.