We’ve all walked out of great movies and wondered, ‘what if?’ What if the movie had that one twist that would have made a great movie even greater, or, if not greater, funnier ‘ or more exciting? Here I wish to present a few potential remakes of movies for humor, excitement or glory’s sake. Sony and Columbia ‘ take heed.

A slew of great movies have been released recently, none more epic than ‘300.’ On the ride home, with my testosterone still at movie stoked all time highs, I wondered if the Spartan men were perfect genetic specimens, PhotoShopped to flawlessness or on steroids. I ruled out the latter, but then wondered: What if they made ‘300 Meathead Edition’? Rather than portray the Spartans as mystical custodians of an ancient warrior culture, make them a bunch of juiced-up meatheads punching rocks and hurling things indiscriminately, but with great superhuman vigor at the opponent? To make the persona complete, they may break off the fighting to go tanning when they so deem their naturally Mediterranean-hued skin insufficiently good looking.

‘Dogma’ is a great movie, one of my favorites. A comedy, it features Chris Rock as an angel, Jay and Silent Bob as disciples and Linda Fiorentino, Beth, as a descendant of Jesus. Together they must stop two renegade angels from entering a church during its bicentennial celebration and returning to heaven, against direct orders from God. God is temporarily incapacitated in a coma in human form in a hospital in New Jersey (must have breathed in), and is unable to intervene. If they fail, the entire universe will cease to exist. I think an excellent remake of this movie would feature Barack Obama as a direct descendant of Jesus, who, along with heavenly advisors and Chris Rock as a vice presidential candidate, must prevent a Republican from entering the White House in 2008, lest the United States collapses on itself. (This is not to be interpreted as a political endorsement, but a simple exercise in imagination.)

Finally, I propose a recreation of ‘The Fast and the Furious’ to reflect reality on NYS Route 17. After the Civics and Integras pull onto the on ramp, 45 state troopers with helicopters will chase everyone down and issue them summonses for going 75 in a 65. Any ‘drifting’ could be a consequence of plow neglect between exists 90 and 125. There are apparently more men legally bound to crew cuts and guns on Route 17 than there are in Iraq, or civilians in need of protection, on this sparsely populated stretch of New York, but it would provide for excellent rural chase scenes.

‘ Joe C. Galente Eisenberg is a senior economics major. Any amateur film makers out there should contact him to collaborate on any one of these promising projects.