I had an epiphany while staring blankly at my homework tonight — an idea so good that making it public without first filing for a patent is likely to lose me hundreds of millions of dollars in the future (oh well …).

Chew on this: installing some device that provides destructive interference for all cell phone signal frequencies in the library. That is, for philosophy majors, something that scrambles cell phone signals so you can neither send nor receive cell phone calls while in its immediate vicinity. An auspicious location would be the fourth floor of Bartle, and, even more so, the CIW library — places which can both, at times, lead a prospective study bug to believe he or she is eating lunch next to Joan Rivers rather than trying to learn in a place of academic sanctuary.

When individuals are talking loudly (particularly on cell phones, particularly when there is a convenient location five yards away just for that particular kind of thing in Bartle library), one might expect discontent from students in the surrounding area. I am that guy who has no reservations about assertively suggesting a culprit of this should shut up or go elsewhere; often receiving warm glares from everyone around me after doing so.

Although I’m sure there is some meathead reading this right now, thinking, “Who does this kid think he is, yo, I’d bust his face if he talked shit to me, yo, I’m a tough dude.” Frankly, I don’t care. The library is a demilitarized zone, and the only time I’m likely to encounter a meathead in the library is if he is compelled to be there by frat-pledging obligations. So sorry, your Nextel bleeping about going to the club tonight can wait until you’re done reading Low-Rider Civic magazine.

Another added benefit to having no cell service in the library would be to weed out the pretenders from the studiers. Wastefully occupying quality real estate in the library to text message, make phone calls and now, with Sidekick, instant message without the aid of a computer, would be drastically diminished if service were not available.

I think the idea is worth considering, and I beseech Watson students to get working on it as quickly as possible.