Suitor may be better suited for Lois

According to the University of Michigan’s student newspaper, sophomore Joel Skaistis attempted to propose to University President Mary Sue Coleman on Valentine’s Day — Skaistis had previously created a facebook group titled, “I’ll propose to Mary Sue Coleman on Valentine’s Day if 250 People Join This Group.” As of Tuesday morning his group had surpassed the mark set, so Skaistis remained true to his word, and waited outside Coleman’s house in a tuxedo. Coleman never left her home that morning, and Skaistis left dejected. “On the bright side, she never said ‘no,’” Skaistis commented. “So there’s still a chance!”

A happy ending for the police

Police in Spotsylvania County, Md., have been going undercover into massage parlors in order to investigate claims that the parlors are actually just covers for “illegal activity.” However, according to the Washington Post, police stayed and received the full extent of the services offered. Tom Jackson of the Post reported that “detectives allowed women to perform sexual acts on them on four occasions and once left a $350 tip.”

Alas Padowan

The Blair Elementary School of Wilmington, N.C., paid about $20,000 for educational video games and Playstations, according to CNN. Unfortunately, most of the teachers had no idea how to use the devices. Not wanting to let the Playstations go to waste, students at the school sat down with their teachers on Wednesday and taught them how to use the machines.

Over-Schwelmed by a bed

A boy in the German town of Schwelm became bored Monday night, according to Reuters. In order to solve his problem, the 16-year-old strapped himself to a foldaway bed. Unfortunately, while he was tied down, the bed folded away. He was rescued later when neighbors heard his cries for help.

Now that’s a punishment

The Associated Press reported Thursday that due to a new provision in Taiwanese law, some drunk drivers can choose between two punishments for their crimes: paying fines, or playing Mahjong with senior citizens. Hsu Yi-ling, of the Taoyuan Prosecutors Office, explained that increasingly, people in Taiwan are being given civil service duties as punishments for committing petty crimes, such as “posting nude pictures on the Internet.”