Dear Landlord,

It’s me again. Listen: I don’t want to be a pest or anything, but it’s just that when I signed the lease I was really happy about the “utilities included” part. But now I’m beginning to think that’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Can you turn on my heat? In the morning my room is colder than Vice President Cheney’s heart. It snowed last week. It was so cold in my room the day it snowed that I couldn’t open my bedroom door because the lock had frozen.

That morning I had to microwave my cheerios. For five minutes.

While we’re on the subject of utilities, I really appreciate that my water is paid for by you. That’s really awesome. It’s brown, though. To be honest, I’m beginning to think that the reason you don’t charge for utilities is because the pipes in our house bring us water from the septic tank. My tap water smells a lot like the Gordita I ate last Monday.

I guess I shouldn’t complain. Recycling is important.

I don’t have much money and can’t afford to buy a lot of food, so it’s cool that you’re helping out with that…but I’m not sure the rats in my house are edible, even if cooked. They have rabies, mange, or both.

Speaking of pests. That thing in my bathtub. I would say it’s a cockroach, because it certainly looks like one. But it can’t be. It’s, like, 18-inches long, and kind of resembles Christopher Walken.

Some guy keeps ringing my doorbell every day at like 4:30 in the morning asking for you. When I tell him that you don’t live here, he gets really angry and starts yelling things at me. Things like, “where am I gonna get my yayo!?” or “I gotsta have that blow!” and “I needs to have the fizzies in this nizzies before I get all schizzies and make gyzzies. Plizease.”

Also, I have no issues with the fact that the walls are thin. But there may be a problem. You see, I got laid last Tuesday night. But while we were “going through the motions” we bumped into the wall….and then fell through it. On the other side of the wall it became overly apparent that the mirror that came with my room is a two-way mirror.

Are you paying people to film me without my knowledge? They said you were. I’m having crackhousevoyeurworld.com investigated by the police.

At least give me a cut of the profit. We put on a pretty good show I’d say.

Graham Kates is a junior majoring in international affairs.