“Guess what,” George W. Bush said to me as we rode in the back of a limo in his motorcade towards the “Very Merry Camp David Thanksgiving Extravaganza.”

“Um.” I replied, “Let’s see… did you finally figure out that tricky deficit problem?”

“No, sillyhead. You know I’m content to just ignore that. What I wanted to tell you is that I’m gonna run for president again in 2008!” he exclaimed.

“Bushkin,” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder to comfort him, “I hate to tell you this, but you’re not allowed to run again. You just have to get used to the fact that for the next two-and-a-half years, you’re a lame duck president. A figurehead if you will. Nothing more.”

“No!” George said, “That’s just the thing. Dick and Donny came to my house for a sleepover last night. And after my Mom sent us to bed we were just lying there in the dark talking ’cause we couldn’t sleep (I had had the help make us milkshakes, so we were all sugared up), and we decided that since the Republicans can’t find anyone to take my spot, we’ll just make them pass a bill or something saying I can run again!”

“What do you mean the Republicans can’t find anyone?” I enquired.

Then, much to my surprise, Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop appeared out of nowhere next to George and all three responded to me by singing:

“This is the presidency that’ll never end!

It will go on and on my friend!

Some people want to take my place,

But they don’t have what it takes

So I’ll keep ruling on and on

forever, just because…

Republicans have no one who can fend (Hillary),

We have no candidates to send!

Bill Frist no longer fellates me,

McCain is too center you see.

So I’ll keep ruling on and on

forever, just because…”

The song continued for another two verses, but I digress. Much to my amusement, as a corpse, Shari Lewis bares a startling likeness to the Intro to Macroeconomics professor I had freshman year. Many students, I’m sure, know him by his nickname, “the asshole.” When I noticed this, I had a brilliant idea. “George,” I said, “can you do me a favor when you start your third term?”

“You’re not asking me to pardon Shug Knight again are you?” he replied.

“No. Actually, here’s what I want. Can you figure out a way to force Lois to fire that Intro to Macroeconomics professor who’s such a gigantic prick?” I asked.

“Of course!” said George, “When Cheney passes away I’ll make George Pataki my vice president. But I’ll tell him he can only be vice president if he finds a way to fire that professor.”

That plan will definitely work. Pataki has basically spent the last two years devoting himself to milking Bush’s prostate anyway, so he’ll definitely go for that.

Graham Kates is a junior political science major.