There are two things I do quite a lot: listen to indie music and think about sex. So, for the sex issue, I used my combined interests to make a list of indie bands and artists, ranking them based on how I think they would do in bed.
Arctic Monkeys: B-
Full disclosure, I’ve probably masturbated more to Arctic Monkeys’ fifth studio album, “AM,” than your run-of-the-mill college boy has masturbated to degrading porn on PornHub. That being said, I think Alex Turner never lasts more than two minutes in the sack, and there’s no way Nick O’Malley is as good with his hips as he is with the bass line in “Do I Wanna Know?” Go ahead, screw Arctic Monkeys, but don’t complain to me when the experience is ultimately disappointing.
Brand New: A-
Jesse Lacey has abandonment issues, so he would do anything you wanted to prevent you from leaving him. Anything. Lacey would eat your ass like it was a Jazzman’s cinnamon bun.
Arcade Fire: B
I saw Arcade Fire in concert last August, and there were a lot of people on stage throwing everything they had into playing their instruments. That draws me to the conclusion that sex with Arcade Fire would be a really hot, noisy orgy. It would get weird at times, and there might be a hurdy-gurdy involved, but go for it.
Neutral Milk Hotel: D
The guys in Neutral Milk Hotel haven’t showered since 1998. They would call you “Anne” as in “Anne Frank” in the throes of passion, and then begin to cry once they realize what they have done. Have you seen Jeff Mangum’s beard lately? There’s definitely a nest of mourning doves in there. Don’t have sex with Neutral Milk Hotel.
Hozier: A-
I don’t have to explain myself on this one, but I will anyway. Hozier is 6-foot-5, Irish and wrote an entire album about sex positivity and James Joyce’s “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.” Hozier and I both have really thick, beautiful hair that would get in our faces in the middle of lovemaking. I spend a lot of time thinking about having sex with Hozier. I’m sure it’d be great.
The Decemberists: C
There’s an Aimee Bender story called “The Rememberer,” where at one point the narrator and her lover stop having sex, sit on the floor and talk about poetry instead. This is what sex with The Decemberists would be like, except then they would finish the New York Times crossword before you even got 11 across figured out. Skip.
HAIM: B+
Danielle Haim is probably the best kisser out of everyone on this list. She would be aggressive but wouldn’t do anything you weren’t comfortable with. I bet she’s a postcoital smoker. We could wear matching leather jackets and talk about Gilbert and Gubar.
Courtney Barnett: A-
If you don’t know who Courtney Barnett is, either message my mom on Facebook or check any music website for a glowing review of her latest album, “Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit.” Barnett is a wordsmith, not unlike the aforementioned Decemberists, but her lyrics are winding, aggressive and kick-ass. She’s probably great at dirty talk. And she could beat me up. I’m into it.
TV on the Radio: A
Sex with TVOTR would be the best sex of your life. Have you listened to “Lover’s Day”? The guys in TVOTR are definitely into Tantric sex. The morning after, they would wake you up and take you to brunch, and then you’d go to a park and smell the flowers and life would be great. Just think about that the next time you go to The Rat; think about all the good sex you’re not having and go listen to Spotify in sadness.