This past Wednesday afternoon, Zayn Malik announced via the One Direction Facebook page that he was quitting the band after five years. Everyone with working ears was filled with despair upon hearing the news, and the despair intensified when the remaining members of 1D — Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Niall Horan and Louis Tomlinson — announced they would continue on as a four-piece, as if any of 1D’s music would be listenable without the angelic vocal stylings of Zayn.
Now is a time of mourning, dearest Pipe Dream readers.
Here are the five stages of Zayn grief. Perhaps if we understand them, we will be able to get through this together.
Stage One — Shock, anger, despair. Call your mom from the middle of the Marketplace. Try not to shout too loudly; people are staring, please pull yourself together. Go on Twitter and retweet that “auf wiederzayn” tweet. Make some pasta and watch the “Night Changes” video, revel in the way Zayn croons to you. Try not to cry.
Stage Two — Consider the now-dismal fate of the rest of 1D. Will Harry ever shampoo his hair again? Is Niall OK? Seriously, is Louis even still in the band? Remember when Liam was the Justin Timberlake of 1D? Now he’s a smarmy Joey Fatone on a good day. Somewhere in Great Britain there is a portrait of Liam rotting in an attic. It’s amazing how much can change in such a short span of time; and by amazing I mean utterly terrifying. Seriously, I am stress-laughing harder than Niall right now just thinking about the fragility of existence! Nothing lasts! Ha!
Stage Three — Take a trip down YouTube memory lane. Watch all of the music videos for the singles off of “Up All Night.” Does everyone just pretend the “Gotta Be You” video doesn’t exist? This is the most direct Usher rip-off 1D ever attempted. It’s pitiful. But Zayn, oh, Zayn, look at you on that train with your shirt only buttoned at the top button; I swoon. “Up All Night” sounds like my spring 2012 semester, meaning it sounds like a series of progressively worse decisions and the pent-up sexual frustration I felt toward my math teacher. This nostalgia trip was a bad idea.
Stage Four — Go into the bowels of your Internet bookmarks and find all that 1D fanfiction you read back in the day. Remember that one high school alternate universe in which Zayn was on the football team and Niall played tuba in the marching band? Simpler days, friends.
Stage Five — Acceptance, but only after you’ve cried while listening to “You and I” on repeat for a few days. Zayn was the most talented member of One Direction; women across the globe felt themselves ovulate when he hit those high notes in “Steal My Girl.” The only thing we can do is hope that he has an illustrious R&B career ahead of him. I, for one, would like to place an order for an album made up exclusively of D’Angelo covers.
Maybe if we’re really lucky, Harry will join Zayn and we’ll get the Savage Garden redux the 2010s so desperately needs. Until then, I shall remain in mourning. Zayn was my “One Thing,” and 1D no longer has that one thing.