Ladies and gentlemen, I have found the best part of Binghamton.
It isn’t the $.75-nighttime bowling in the Union. It isn’t the 24-hour Wal-Mart on the Vestal Parkway. It isn’t even the delicious pasta at Showtime in the Food Court.
No friends, the best part of Binghamton can be found in the lavatories.
Some of you might have noticed that many of the public bathrooms around campus (at least the ones labelled “Men”) are equipped with two stalls. One is your average excretion station, and the other is a glorious palace of poop — a toilet Taj Mahal if you will.
The stall of which I speak is meant to accommodate individuals who are disabled. They are equipped with an extra amount of space meant to create room for a wheelchair, crutches, etc.
Being as I am not disabled, that extra area becomes my man-space. It is a blessing to me.
Upon entering said stall, I take a moment to enjoy the fact that I now have in my possession a seven-square-foot area of nothing but me. I close the door, throw the lock into place, hang my coat on the very convenient hanger located on the back of the door, and sit down to do my business.
Of course, I like to take a moment to TP the seat first to protect myself from venereal disease. Sometimes I even lay down two layers of the cottony-soft goodness if I feel the seat might be extra infected.
Once I sit down to let it all out, I make sure to take as much time as I need, and even more than that. I’ll rock the iPod, bring in a copy of Pipe Dream, enjoy the latest Sports Illustrated, or possibly do some homework, which, by the way, I would never get done if not for my body’s need to evacuate.
Let me ask you a question: Is it OK for me to enter a public toilet stall and not exit that stall until over an hour later?
Yes! Of course it is! This is Lee-Dizzel time! The way I see it, bowel movements are something a person has to enjoy. God gave them to us as a gift; let us use them!
Let me ask you another question: Is it O.K. for me to lounge there with my poop-soup marinating beneath my tushie, as I enjoy the deliciousness of the smell wafting up to my nostrils?
No! Of course it isn’t! But that is how I am, and, in my opinion, for a student to enjoy his or her time at Binghamton University, he or she must take advantage of the fine W.C. collection we have here.
So go and take over one of these stalls for an hour or more. Enjoy the messages scratched into the wall in front of you. Heck, if you’re feeling really rebellious, scratch in a message of your own! Leave us your legacy. Make the toilet your throne. Seek immortality — it’s out there. And don’t forget to wipe.
Lee Lefkowitz is a sophomore majoring in English and math, and is op/ed editor.