Although it has been nine days since the Super Bowl, I am still recuperating from a heartbreaking loss. No, I am not a Chicago Bears fan; I am recovering from a far more traumatic defeat. I was just two Colts touchdowns, one two-point conversion, two safeties by the stout Indy defense and three Robbie Gould field goals shy of achieving Super Bowl nirvana ‘ the winning box numbers of eight and six.

After endless days of sulking around campus, I began to question the direction that Super Bowl culture is heading. When did gambling on the big game become more critical than the actual event? Budweiser commercials are beginning to attract more attention than touchdowns. Add risqu√É© performances during halftime and you have enough distractions to keep a Watson student on Adderall from concentrating on the game.

At this point, the Super Bowl is a holiday, and one of the biggest at that. An estimated 800 million people watched the big game this year. Compare that to the 200 million Christians that currently celebrate Christmas in the United States. We are all witnessing an epic revolution in Super Bowl culture. Innovative, capitalist marketing strategies aimed toward mainstream America are beginning to alter the prototypical Super Bowl viewer. No longer do only die-hard fans watch the game; the population of viewers is just as diverse as that of the Union Food Court on a Friday night.

Just taking a quick glance at the attendees of your Super Bowl shindig will allow you to view the newly formed groups of viewers that this phenomenon has created. Say goodbye to the Mike Ditkas and hello to the Clay Aikens.

1. The Boxes Statisticians ‘ What is worse than listening to preposterous combinations of scoring possibilities announced every play while you’re trying to watch the game? Someone needs to tell this clique that there will not be a safety on the 50-yard line and dropkicks don’t exist (unless you’re Doug Flutie or Chuck Norris).

2. The Colorblind Killers ‘ The ones who show up and ask that one dreaded question: ‘Which team is wearing blue?’ If you don’t know the names of the two starting quarterbacks, you don’t belong at a Super Bowl party. ‘Sexy Rexy’ is not a local stripper and Eli Manning is not the Colts’ starting quarterback.

3. The Buzz Word Buzz Kills ‘ Simply stating that ‘establishing the run’ is imperative to winning doesn’t make you John Madden. Try naming the entire offensive line if you want to impress the inebriated kid next to you that won’t remember anyway.

4. Prince Fans ‘ Enough said.

5. The Commercial Connoisseurs ‘ While sipping on their Shiraz and smoking their Dunhills, this group loves to stick their critique of each commercial into every conversation. A Miller Lite commercial with promiscuity and carnage is meant to entice the Stone Cold Steve Austin in each of us; it’s not meant to evoke critical analysis from the peanut gallery.

But let us remain hopeful, for there are two ways to tackle this giant problem of Super Bowl integration.

1. Treat all who watch the Super Bowl with equality and kindness.

2. Feature Barbara Streisand every year for the halftime show. Those still willing to watch are OK in my book.