One year ago, I proposed five simple steps ‘ trade the University of Southern California the Glenn G. Bartle Library Tower for its football team, put all games on ESPN and ESPN 2, replace Al Walker with Nick Billings, trick Albany into giving us Jamar Wilson and annex Syracuse ‘ to help Binghamton University to improve its athletics program and launch our school into the upper echelon of Division I sports.

Despite my efforts, none of my demands were met. And since we’re approaching the one-year anniversary of my last article, I’ve proposed four more easy steps that the administration can take to ensure that Bearcat pride will spread throughout the nation.

1. Sign all of Georgetown’s players: We thought we were fleecing the Hoyas when we swooped in and stole their assistant coach, Kevin Broadus, shortly after their Final Four run last season. With KB on board, surely a Final Four would be in Binghamton’s future, right?

Wrong.

Somehow we haven’t had the success everyone envisioned after Broadus’ arrival. The only answer? Bring in all of Georgetown’s players.

After all, it wasn’t Broadus that hit shots when the Hoyas won the Big East tournament, it was Roy Hibbert and Jonathon Wallace.

Of course, Patrick Ewing Jr. likely won’t come (there’s family loyalty for you), but that’s OK, we’ll keep Mike Gordon around to play with the new-look Bearcats.

2. Move the University to Scotland: Even though he’s probably the most proficient scorer in the America East, many BU students could not tell Cameron Keith from Toby Keith. Even fewer students would be able to tell you who Liam Carson is.

The problem? It’s not that soccer isn’t popular in the United States, it’s that these stars are from Scotland, and BU students are down right xenophobic.

The only answer?

Move the team to Glasgow where our stars can be embraced by their home fans. Sure the Hooligans would have to learn to speak in a brogue, but hey, chicks dig accents.

3. Put the word ‘New York’ back into the school’s name: This one isn’t even satirical. The fact that the word ‘New York’ is no longer found in Binghamton University’s name is ridiculous from an athletic sense.

Michigan doesn’t call itself Ann Arbor University, there’s no Gainesville Gators in Florida (though that sounds cool) and Oklahoma certainly would never dare go by University at Norman.

So why then do Binghamton, Albany, Buffalo and Stony Brook refuse to align themselves with one of the best-known states in the union?

Top athletes in Texas go to play for Texas to represent their state. Top athletes in New York don’t have that option because nothing really represents the state.

My suggestion: turn Binghamton University into the University of New York and Albany into New York State. UNY vs. New York State would be just like Texas vs. Texas Tech and Ole Miss vs. Mississippi State, only without southerners.

4. Change the demeaning Bearcat name: Everyone knows that BU changed from Colonials to Bearcats in order to stop insulting the ghosts of our colonial forefathers.

Now it’s time for BU to remedy another mistake by stopping the insults against bears and cats, both ferocious creatures, and representing them with a bearcat, an animal that is like an otter only lazy.

Want intimidation without offending anyone? How about an actually threatening animal hybrid.

My choice? Dingo Shark. No mascot in the league would mess with the Dingo Shark.

So there you have it, four easy steps that can have BU cutting down the nets in this year’s Final Four. And if you think the UNY-Scotland Dingo Sharks wouldn’t beat North Carolina, well, you clearly don’t understand sports.