Guess what? Jersey smells! Hey man, I got one … Jersey is the armpit of America!

As a minority up here yonder, I feel quite oppressed. Yeah, I’m from Jersey … no I’m not a Guido, nor do I pronounce coffee “cwoa-fee,” and I don’t have those “you know you’re from …” abominations on my AIM profile. So why am I rallying against Jersey haters? I do so because I have zippo (yes, zippo) tolerance for ignorance.

Jersey (Bergen County, represent!) is my home. It is filled with diners that stay open all night long, where drugged and buzzed adolescents fill the booths, ordering breakfast foods at 4 a.m. If that’s not heartwarming, I don’t know what is. If you want to go “chill at the mall,” you will find a merry slew of emo children grazing the aisles, clones of Hollister-clad ladies and gentlemen strolling along trying to find love, and the occasional pedophile will probably hit on you. It is a beautiful, precious sight. We are classy folk — there are parties every weekend, which include people standing around watching others play beer pong and getting very fired up about their game technique. Careful — Jersians are an unruly bunch.

As for mating, Jersians tend to be very territorial, and in fact “claim” the objects of their desire. Loyalty is factored by the ratio of how much the friends of the mater try not to hit on his mate to the amount of alcohol consumed that evening. The result tends to end in a brawl where the males fight for respect, as they are sensitive creatures and do not enjoy being messed with.

Being cultured, many Jersians have a passion for music. The “Jersey Scene” is something many a lad/lass are proud to be a part of. Usually, a scenester is spotted with a display of locks covering one of their eyes, showing everyone just how hardcore they are (hardcore = can maneuver around safely with the use of only one eye), and perhaps a handkerchief in his or her back pocket, not at all aware of why they are doing so. Being rebellious is tough, and it includes going to shows and moshing proudly (even before the band gets on stage). Such moshers are seen moshing all around, sometimes inappropriately at events that shouldn’t be moshed at. Sometimes they mosh outside of Starbucks, totaling to 100 scene points.

In Jersey, you drive nice cars, and you drive them fast. The faster you go tends to correlate positively with how proud you make your parents, while negatively correlates to the organ between your legs. Loitering is common, for what other stages are there to discuss the plans of the evening in a democratic fashion? Parking lots are targets. Many evenings end up in “driving around,” which is a plus for bonding with your peers, yet a negative for mommy and daddy’s wallet on gasoline. Speaking of which, gas pumping is done for you. See, Jersey has its perks.

I’m sure many of you identify with some of these stereotypes, letting out a liberating “Heeeeyy, I look for love at the mall!” or “Yeah man, covering one eye is for pussies, I actually cover my whole face with my hair, I’m uber hard core …” Equally, I’m sure most of you aren’t from Jersey, either.

So the next time you claim that Jersey smells, I’ll encourage you to take a shower (because Jersey’s rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off of Jersey and sticks to you), you judgmental beasts.

Nicole Zimmerman is a sophomore psychology student. She hopes you add “zippo” to your vocabulary, because that’s an awesome word.