It’s time to face the facts: Every Halloween you’ve had up until now was garbage. It’s not your fault, though, you just didn’t know how to celebrate the right way. Until now, that is. Now that you don’t have mommy and daddy to keep you “safe,” it’s time to finally see what razor candy is all about. So to help you reach your full potential, here are some tips on how to have a great Halloween.

1. Choose your own candy

Despite what many may say, legally you’re considered an adult. So now that trick-or-treating has started to make you seem more creepy than cute, it’s important to remember that candy is something you can just buy. Of course, some people will say that “just buying it” isn’t in the spirit of Halloween, but those people don’t have an entire chocolate bust of Lou Reed.

Trick-or-treating is a disappointing pursuit as it is. You spend hours going from house to house, searching for your favorite treats, only to get things like bags of pretzels. Nobody wants pretzels. In fact, the only people who want pretzels are the people who give out pretzels, and they aren’t people. They’re the true monsters of Halloween who press on with their vile crusade. They don’t care if an 8-year-old Power Ranger threatens to egg their house. Only through buying your own candy can you escape that terror, and the terror of facing the fact that you’re old.

2. Have an impressive costume

Sure, you can dress up as a cat or a nerd, but life is about taking chances. You want your costume to stand out and inspire others.

If you are a guy, feel free to cross-dress. You might get into a frat party for free because the guy at the door is too drunk to know what a woman is supposed to look like.

Another idea is to take a traditional concept and put a spin on it. Everyone has dressed up like the Joker, but have you ever seen anyone dress up as little-known Batman villain Crazy Quilt? People will have all sorts of questions for you, and you will be the talk of the party as you stumble around trying to smother any Batmans you see with your crazy quilt.

3. Find the right party

Refuse invitations to any party that doesn’t promise to play “Monster Mash.” The family of the guy who wrote “Monster Mash” has to survive on the royalty checks he gets from this song being played a billion times in one day. It will be on your soul if they go hungry because you think you’re too cool for the song. You are not.

Try to find the party with the coolest decorations. It’s not a real Halloween party unless you’re genuinely worried the person hosting it might be a serial killer. Maybe going to an abandoned house full of bloodstains and a single girl’s shoe seems like a bad idea, but that really adds to the atmosphere of the room. People will be much more eager to dance with you if they feel like they might actually die.