There is no other activity on campus more humbling than a visit to the Nature Preserve. Here in Mother Nature’s untainted splendor, one is able to purge oneself of any and all afflicting stresses.

However, the encroachment of an invasive species, dubbed the blue breasts, has disrupted the harmony of this once serene sanctuary. Local officials have issued a warning to students, cautioning unsuspecting night hikers to be wary of the danger being posed to them.

“WE GOT A 10-4 IN PROGRESS — STONERS PUFFING DOOBIES, I’M IN PURSUIT!”

To avoid being harassed, a student need only cease engaging in superfluous jack-assery. The blue breasts are inflamed by the scent of illicit substances, the very suspicion of which sends them into a headlong charge at the supposed violator.

We’re in college for Christ-sakes; we don’t need anybody holding our hands wherever we go. We had high school for that, and thank God that’s over.

In the preserve, students are cornered deer in the crosshairs of trained marksmen. Many of us are being picked off or chased away by the police altogether. I would find it difficult, perhaps impossible, for anyone to wholly abandon themselves knowing law enforcement was in hiding just meters away. Even if they were completely devoid of ill intentions, it is a discomforting thought.

I’m not alone in saying that it is insulting, even infantile, for Campus Police to instantly assume we have ulterior motives for being there.

After speaking with an individual spearheading the Nature Preserve’s maintenance, it was explained to me that the preserve never closes, and that unless an offense is in progress, there should never, ever, be cops camping out there. If an incident is reported, then an intervention by Campus PD is appropriated, but not a moment before.

The preserve, in philosophy, was intended to harbor a respect and appreciation for nature’s wonders, as well as to establish a retreat for the entire student body. It was not, I repeat NOT, intended to serve as a place for students to be potentially incriminated for recreational drug use. Students should be able to venture where they want, when they want, unobstructed and without a prevailing fear of harassment from the forces that be.