When it comes to the proper way to use Facebook, one phrase covers it all: more is more. The more friends you have made through your mutual drive to relentlessly remember the ’90s no matter the consequences, the better.
Unfortunately, though, we haven’t all been pulling our weight. Because everyone has had Facebook for a number of years now, we’ve grown overly comfortable with our relationship and have begun letting things slide.
I’ve taken it upon myself to offer a few helpful suggestions in hopes of once again making Facebook an escapist playground for the overly critical.
When it comes to photos, resist going through them with friends and picking out the “good” ones to upload because odds are you’ll meet a chorus of self-deprecation in the form of “Ugh, I look terrible” anyways.
Social protocol dictates that all females vocalize flaws and deeply rooted insecurities to ensure they appear modest. This modesty is what leads some friends to untag themselves; they’re fearful of breeding self-doubt in others.
Make sure to reassure them that it’s okay to stand out by making one of these photos your profile picture with an empowering caption such as, “Only Amy could make a retainer and stained shirt look this good!”
A picture is worth a thousand words, and these words are never in higher demand than on the day after a night filled with hard drinking and gaps in memory.
This is why it’s a good idea to help publicly jog your friend’s memory by redecorating her wall with a series of photos documenting the migration of her dress throughout the night.
You can trust that you have successfully turned your friend’s blackout night into one that is impossible for her, and 400 of her closest friends, to ever forget.
But what if I don’t have anything to take pictures of, you ask? It is important to keep in mind that you don’t have to attend an event to take photos. You can always turn taking photos into an event.
It’ll give people a lot to talk about, sparking such discussions as “Oh My God, did you see Kate’s photos?” “Yeah I did, they’re insane! You mean the ones in her chair, right? Did you see those crazy shots of her on the couch? Ugh, she even looks good when she’s just hanging out at her house taking picture after unsuspected picture of herself.”
This last note on pictures should go without saying, but every photo should have a filter. Anything less is an embarrassment. Do you really want to be the person who uploads mediocrity?
Your unedited photos run the risk of exposing your one-dimensional personality, devoid of creativity or deep emotional conflict. And you already have your breakup poetry for that.
Statuses, though, are a different story. You won’t need a filter for these streams of consciousness. Feel free to let your creativity overflow.
Unfortunately, though, it has recently become the trend for people to be overly withholding and stingy with their statuses, too tightfisted to type. They are “afraid of how they’ll come across” or some other nonsense people who lack the ability to copy and paste a meme say out of defensiveness.
It is important to remember, however, that people will no longer want to be your friend without an all-access pass to your every thought.
As Nicole Fernandez, a senior in the Decker School of Nursing, puts it, “The best part of Facebook is definitely being able to watch a football game just by reading your newsfeed.”
Some people may argue that these constant updates are better suited for Twitter, but they just don’t understand how let down and abandoned your friends would feel without your real-time updates on the status of your newest parking violation.
And so, when it comes to Facebook, just remember subtlety is not your friend. No, your real friends are the hundreds of mindless drones who feed off of your every move. Don’t let them go hungry.